Analogcabin @ 2:05 PM ------------------------- What's in a name? Suppose you're born, your parents take a look at you, and say, "Let's call him Rapey Rapesalot." Are you destined to become a serial rapist? While I can provide no quantitative evidence, I can say with confidence that, with a name like that, there probably aren't a lot of women that are going to hop in bed willingly.
Analogcabin @ 10:48 AM ------------------------- It's a sad day for America when polls don't budge even after a week's worth of compelling ideas delivered artfully and inspirationally. For example, this morning President Bush responded to a questioner inquiring why he chose to circumvent the already-Orwellian FISA court when he OKed the wiretapping of American citizens by saying it's because we need to move both "fast and quick" when fighting terrorists. Analogcabin @ 2:39 PM ------------------------- You know that Bush got up this morning, rolled over and was like, "Rach [el Brand, Asst. Attorney General], today's gonna be my day. I can just feel it. Now let me rip that sumbitch, 'cause I know it's 4:20 someplace...."
Analogcabin @ 3:25 PM ------------------------- "You gut whut you wanted, Killian. Now gif doze peepul a-uh!" Analogcabin @ 4:11 PM ------------------------- Earlier this morning I decided that today would be a day of second chances for albums that, for one reason or another, I dismissed without giving a fair shot. Analogcabin @ 1:49 PM ------------------------- Not that any of you tasteless whores would notice, but lately the fire in my belly that can be quenched only by iced tea enemas and blogging seems to have gone out. I know what you're thinking: But why? I can't really say. Maybe one too many iced tea enemas. Sometimes you shouldn't ask why. You should just go ahead and announce to the already pitiful world that you're retiring from blogging for good. Analogcabin @ 11:49 AM ------------------------- It could just be the wildly anti-Latino lenses through which I see the world, but the media's slant on yesterday's shooting of Rigoberto Alpizar by US air marshals seems to be increasingly sympathetic toward the dead man and his wife. This is based primarily on statements by witnesses to Alpizar and his wife's behavior prior to the incident, as well as some really vague testimonials from the man's neighbors.
Analogcabin @ 10:09 AM ------------------------- Elian Gonzalez, that Cuban kid in the closet like a hundred years ago, turned 12. And apparently that's what CNN considers news these days.
Analogcabin @ 11:50 AM ------------------------- I've got to admit that I understand how Saddam Hussein feels. It's got to be a little irritating to have to sit there day after day listening to a lot of people describe in detail what a jerk you are while officials pretend they don't necessarily agree when everyone knows they do. That said, he's not going to get much sympathy by being dramatic. Analogcabin @ 10:44 AM ------------------------- According this CNN headline 'Technology [is] helping the deaf, blind enjoy movies.'
Analogcabin @ 1:29 PM ------------------------- Jeremy Bryan Jones was sentenced to death today after he was convicted of raping and murdering a woman. He's also suspected of being a serial killer, though he's yet to face trial for any of the other 10 murders in which he's been implicated.
Analogcabin @ 4:25 PM -------------------------
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Wednesday, December 21, 2005
It is with that in mind that I bring to your attention the story of Reynaldo Rapalo. Imagine the difficulty of going through your life saying, "No es RAY-palo. Es RAPP-alo." After the 20th or 21st year of it, you've got to be about ready to say, "Si. Es RAY-palo, y ahora deseo tus pantalones y los regalos genitales. Entonces, vamanos." And to be hispanic on top of it all! ¡Dios mio!
But we must not be rapist-apologists. That's not funny, especially during the holidays.
Reynaldo Rapalo, above, is obviously guilty of something.
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Monday, December 19, 2005
I guess oratory is a dead art after all.
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Thursday, December 15, 2005
And after the gurgling had subsided and the Assistant Attorney General, the Secretary of State, and Secretary of Energy Sam "The Bod Man" Bodman had been secreted from the residence, George showered, shaved, and prepared himself for a five point bump in the polls. After all, the Iraq elections had gone off without a hitch. Even those irritating Sunnis got their thumbs dirty for a change. Plus, he was about to drop another bil and a half on that Nagin fucker -- enough to quiet the investigation down for a few days while Bush plays "finger in the Big Easy dyke." Kind of like he did with Condi last night! And he finally agreed to sign ol' Tyrannosaurus arms' torture bill. Like that means anything.
Then this happens. Sometimes you can't win for losin'.
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Wednesday, December 14, 2005
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Tuesday, December 13, 2005
Now I realize that it's hard to believe that I'd be anything other than completely fair in any aspect of my life, but I assure you that it's true. There are no hard and fast rules that dictate what albums I dismiss unfairly. Sometimes it's because they're purchased at the same time as a classic, and are simply outshined. Other times it's because of an off-putting early track. And still other times it's because they don't feature prominently enough on the soundtrack to The OC. But whatever my reasons were, today will be a day of second chances for those records. And lucky for you, I plan on posting my thoughts on each of these records in a potentially recurring feature called The Spoonbender's Second Chance Record Reviews.
Spacehog: The Hogyssey
Spacehog isn't for everyone, but they are for me. I liked their debut well enough, but I thought their sophomore effort, The Chinese Album, was just shy of genius. Seeing them live on that tour was absolutely intoxicating, especially when coupled with about ten Jack and waters and a huge joint. In fact, it was so intoxicating that I vomited into my lap while sitting in the passenger seat of my friend's newish Saturn coupe. And if that's not rock and roll, what is? To me, The Chinese Album is the musical equivalent of running nude through a sun-drenched field at full speed and pooping simultaneously -- impossible freedom and ultimate release.
The Hogyssey, on the other hand, always felt kind of blah to me. More like walking calmly to the bathroom, sitting down on the toilet, and pooping into it. But I couldn't say why, exactly, and so I felt as though it was worth another listen. And listen I did.
Unfortunately, I think my verdict is pretty much the same. Overall, I think it's a pretty good album. There are some real highlights, actually. "Earthquake" is a raucous, free-pooping good time, for example, as are "A Real Waste of Food" and "The Horror." But the record suffers from an identity crisis that I attribute to songwriter Royston Langdon's involvement with Liv Tyler. Musically, the songs are as replete with neo-glam hookiness as Langdon's earlier compositions. But the production is a bit studied, and the lyrics are an absolute mess. Whereas a Spacehog classic like "Mungo City" revels in its nonsensical and vaguely proggy silliness, the songs on "The Hogyssey" are dragged to Earth by sentiment. Sentiment in this kind of music is bad enough, but when the sentiment is wrapped in a pseudo-concept album like The Hogyssey, you've got reason to be concerned.
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Monday, December 12, 2005
Psych! You gullible retards should go eat shit!
You're probably wondering what this is all about. I'll tell you what: this. Now I realize you're all shuddering at the prospect of one of my posts-about-blogging, so I'll try to keep it brief.
Though I've never actually read it, I agree with Uncle Grambo that this Pink is the New Blog site is horrible. And I also agree with him that the reason it's so bad is that the author is gay. What I find objectionable is that he's willing to overlook the bad writing, superficiality, cash-grabbing short-sightedness, and outright gayness of all of his own little blog clique, with their Gawkers and book deals and stupid fucking appearances on VH1, simply because they lick his blinker in a way that makes him choke on his retainer. But when some poor, misguided homo comes along and copies him in essentially the same way a legion of his "friends" has done for ages, he starts firing off the homophobia and threatening to retire.
Well I'm here to say that, while I'm as scared of homosexuals as the next guy, it's nothing to stop blogging over. Hasn't this year been tough enough already, what with 30,000 Iraqis and Pat Morita dead? Losing Whatevs now would be like a tsunami washing 100,000 Ooga Boogas away right after Christmas!
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Thursday, December 08, 2005
First off, have you ever heard a neighbor describe anyone involved in an incident of any kind as anything other than an average guy who seemed pretty normal? Of course you haven't. Because where I live, here in America, we don't interact with our neighbors beyond exchanging a nod of vague recognition on trash day.
And second, I feel strongly that a hispanic lady following you around saying that you're sick and don't have your meds shouldn't be a blanket exemption from the law. But if it's going to be, let me know. I know a maid who charges $3/hour, and I'm pretty sure for $5 I could teach her how to say, "He crazy! No meds!" and have her follow me around town while I smoke a jaybird and flash high school girls.
Of course, if it comes out that Alpizar was not shot for claiming to have a bomb, as officials have said, but instead for yelling, "I'm the bomb!" during one of the dizzying highs of his bipolar mania, well, that would be a different story. A different, tragic, funny story.
Rigoberto Alpizar and his wife, above, pose in front of an artfully painted moonrise landscape. They chose it over the pine-covered mountainscape with unicorn.
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Wednesday, December 07, 2005
I wonder how long are we going to be subjected to Elian news items. Do I say "wonder?" You bet I did! So let's look into my comedy telescope on the hilarious future in a feature I like to call The Spoonbender's Comedy Telescope into the Hilarious Future!
Elian Gonzalez Gets to Second with Juanita Perez, Cuba's Castro Joins Him for Political Speech
Elian Gonzalez Majors in Econ, Cuba's Castro Joins Him for Political Speech
Elian Gonzalez's Girlfriend Thinks She's Pregnant, Cuba's Castro Joins Him for Political Speech
Elian Gonzalez Doesn't Really Celebrate 33rd Birthday, Cuba's Castro Joins Him for Political Speech
Elian Gonzalez Feels Tingling in His Left Arm, Cuba's Castro Joins Him for Political Speech
Elian Gonzalez Not Angry, Disappointed with Son's Performance, Cuba's Castro Joins Him for Political Speech
Fidel Castro, above left, whisper sweetly into Elian Gonzalez's ear that he think today's post on The Spoonbender is a big disappointment, and that it has the feel of a joke taken from a particularly weak Leno monologue.
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Tuesday, December 06, 2005
Unfortunately for Saddam, that's exactly what he did today. First he claimed that he's not been allowed to bathe or change clothes since the trial began, and that his treatment is terrorism. Uncomfortable? Perhaps. Unfashionable? Probably. Unhygenic? I suppose it would be eventually. But it's hardly the same as having a ticking Palestinian gentleman sit next to you on the bus to Haifa. Second, Saddam said that he's not going to return to court tomorrow. It's exactly that kind of "Mother of all Battles" arrogance that landed him in court in the first place. I mean, I think we all assume that, were this an invitational, Saddam would probably skip it. But I'm pretty sure a couple of irritable Shiite gentlemen aren't going to take "no, thanks" for an answer come tomorrow morning. He should stick with threats he can make good on. Like sitting there with his fingers in his ears chanting "I'm not listening!" until the trial's over.
Saddam Hussein, above, is acting like a 13-year-old girl who just had her telephone priviledges revoked.
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Monday, December 05, 2005
Now I didn't read the article, but I can only assume it's by giving them a hand job or making super-comfortable chairs, because, when you're deaf and blind, isn't going to the movies pretty much just sitting around?
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Thursday, December 01, 2005
Now I don't claim to be a brain doctor, but maybe the problem with this guy is that his head's too long. Consider the below:
Could the elongated upper-head area of Jeremy Bryan Jones, above, contributed to his serial killerism?
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