I think I've made it perfectly clear in the past that I support the handicapped rolling into the sports world. But that doesn't change the fact that this proves, once and for all, that starting on special teams is not just as important as starting on offense or defense, no matter what your coach said.
The article is the story of Bobby Martin -- a special teams player for Dayton's Colonel White High School football team. Or in his case, perhaps "very special teams" player would be more apropos. Martin was recently ejected from a game for not wearing shin guards, knee pads, and thigh pads as is required in the rules.
I know what you're thinking: Tell me, O Author of The Spoonbender, why does the ruling of a high school football referee have legs in the media? Because Bobby Martin doesn't. Whether he was born without stems or had them amputated I can't be sure without subscribing to SI.com. But what I can say with certainty is that Martin's been done wrong. Not only by that Great Taker of Legs, God, but also by that ref. If Martin wants to trundle around the turf in pursuit of a kick returner we can only hope is blind, I say let him. Knee pads or no, knees or no.
Word on the street is that his story's been optioned by the wiley Jews that run Hollywood. The movie will be called Black Man Can't Jump.
Thank you, and good night.
IMAGE REMOVED AT THE REQUEST OF GO PHOTOGRAPHY -- 513.571.6600
Bobby "The Chop Block" Martin, above, is seen preparing for his patented "You taken 'em high, I'll take 'em low" move.
Analogcabin @ 11:48 AM ------------------------- Today I give you the first of what I expect will be increasingly frequent installments in a series I call Signs that The Author of The Spoonbender Is Getting Old. Analogcabin @ 8:14 AM ------------------------- While we Americans are concerned with our various colonies' untameable natives, our various submerged cities, and our various indicted politicians, the Japanese are taking the fuck over. Analogcabin @ 3:15 PM ------------------------- I don't know if it's a wise way to pass my time, but lately I've been thinking about how the Bush administration does it. Does what?, you ignorantly wonder. Does it. If the it were easy to describe, the democrats would be in the White House right now. Analogcabin @ 3:30 PM ------------------------- According to Stereogum, Sarah "Ultragrrrl" Lewitinn's book has been released. If you assume she set out on her literary quest on the day I posted a celebration of her deal, it took her approximately ten months to complete The Pocket DJ. Analogcabin @ 7:05 PM ------------------------- There's so much I want to tell you, but my desire is leavened with a real antipathy toward you all. Perhaps my time here is not unlike that of a 19-year-old girl's semester abroad -- there are so many wonderful stories I want to share, but I can't shake the feeling you can't really understand me any more. I've grown too much, matured, and have been buggered by too many dick-cheese producing European men to consider you my peers anymore. Analogcabin @ 8:17 PM ------------------------- Much has been made of the the note President Bush was caught passing to Condi Rice during a security council meeting at the UN World Summit today, and I'm not going to pile on. Instead, I'm going to take issue with Reuters' caption of the photo. It is below: Analogcabin @ 10:49 PM ------------------------- This morning as I reclined luxuriously and sipped exotic oriental teas brewed by silk-robed hand maidens, I read the International Herald Tribune, as I am wont to do while abroad. And despite my hand maidens careful kneadings and ministrations, a paragraph within an op-ed piece by someone named Chris Cleave moved me to rage. Cleave, apparently an author of a post-9/11 novel, was writing about "post 9/11 fiction." Imagine it. Or don't, for it is below. Analogcabin @ 10:03 PM ------------------------- While I’ll grant that it’s not a disaster quite on the scale of Katrina, today I find myself inconvenienced at the hands of an equatorial storm. Whatever typhoon hit Shanghai yesterday caused my flight to be redirected and delayed overnight, and so it is I find myself in a room at the Narita View Hotel on the outskirts of Tokyo watching Larry King conduct a remarkably insulting interview with the Dalai Lama. Maybe I’ve gone native, but something about seeing a leathery old Jew like King interrupt a man believed by millions to be the reincarnation of Buddha by saying, “Just hang on a second Your Holiness, I’ll be right back to you,” enrages me. Analogcabin @ 10:17 PM ------------------------- File this one under Mission: Accomplished. The Bush administration has made the decision to "recall" FEMA chief Michael Brown to Washington, and one can assume it's not so that he can offer his resignation from the White House rose garden while Bush and Cheney look earnestly apologetic in the background. His triumphant return comes hot on the heels of word that Time has discovered that his official FEMA resume vastly overstates his prior emergency management experience. Specifically, Brown claimed to have been the "assistant city manager" of Edmund, Oklahoma "overseeing the emergency-services division" whereas Time's investigation found that, in a bit of comedy ripped from TV's The Office, Brown was actually the assistant to the city manager, and that his duties were more like those of "an intern." Analogcabin @ 12:05 PM ------------------------- For those of you who believe that President Bush isn't doing enough to help the victims of Katrina, I urge you to consider the fact that he sent his boss to tour the affected region. And while there's so much worth discussing about Sneer Cheney's trip to Mississippi -- his assessment that the recovery effort is "very impressive," for example -- I'll settle for excerpting the below from the AP piece:
Analogcabin @ 11:55 AM ------------------------- When I heard the news that President Bush will ask Congress for more than $50 billion on top of the over $10 billion already requested for Katrina related costs, I thought to myself, Thank god the nation's money trees weren't damaged in the storm!
Analogcabin @ 2:27 PM ------------------------- Apparently unsatisfied with the litany of depressing Katrina photos posted over the weekend, CNN.com responds to the death of Bob "Gilligan" Denver with the below. The photo, of a white-haired and frail Denver forcing a pitiful smile during what was undoubtedly one of countless ignominous public appearances, captures the actor at his absolute professional and personal nadir. When we weep for Denver, we weep for us all.
Analogcabin @ 1:35 PM ------------------------- I'm still a bit too depressed about New Orleans to really give you what you want, which, short of a glimpse of my weiner, is a taste of my comedy stylings. But I can share with you the germ of something that occurred to me while I was, you guessed it, staring at my weiner in the bathroom just now: Katrina and the Waves. You've got the name, the water/waves thing, and retro delightfulness. It's all there. It just requires some assembly.
Analogcabin @ 3:21 PM ------------------------- Call me a cynic, but I'd bet that under most circumstances the Bush administration would declare news that the ozone layer has stopped shrinking to be a validation of its energy policies. But that's kind of difficult to pull off when a massive natural disaster couples with a pointless morass of an occupation to leave the country you've been "elected" to lead teetering on the brink of an oil fueled recession that will make the Carter administration look like the roaring '20's. Happy days are here again!
Analogcabin @ 8:54 AM -------------------------
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Thursday, September 29, 2005
1: When bending over to tie my shoes, I fart. Not for comedic effect, but because I cannot prevent it.
2: I purchased two albums recommended on an episode of CBS Sunday Morning that I TiVoed, and couldn't be more pleased that I did.
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Wednesday, September 28, 2005
To wit: that wiley Tojo just photographed a giant squid. You heard me right. A giant fucking squid -- the arch-enemy of Captain Nemo and the Sea Serpent, and the sea-going cousin of the Sasquatch and Chupacabra.
While our priorities are elsewhere, what next? Will they invent the perpetual motion or the fuckable slot machine?
The giant squid, above -- an American dream, a Japanese reality.
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Tuesday, September 27, 2005
Take this for example. First they install Michael Brown, a resumé stuffer without emergency management experience, as director of FEMA. Next, as Brown is bungling the response to Katrina, Bush famously gives the thumbs-up to "Brownie"'s work. A few days later, after it's clear that the best way to avoid getting shit splashed on them is to make Brown the fall guy, the Bush administration tacitly admits they were wrong about Brown when they "recall" him to DC. And now, apparently not content simply to admit a mistake and remedy it, they hire Brown as a consultant to determine what went wrong with the response.
There's one word for that it: ballsy. Or is it ballsey?
And then there's the way they constantly claim that their various fuck-ups are the result of them not having enough power. Katrina is another great example of this one. Bush responds to criticism of the government's response by saying that in the future the feds need to have more power in the wake of disasters. And what's great is that people seem to buy it. Where else in life can you fuck up your responsibilities and turn that into a way of getting more responsibility?
I just read Peter Lance's book 100 Years for Revenge which tells the shocking story of the FBI's mishandling of the early days of al Qaeda in the US. First, Sheik Rahman's cell was being surveilled, then an informant actually infiltrated the cell. The FBI had all the information they needed, but the case was closed because of an internal turf war. Then there's the whole Able Danger thing. But rather than figure out why information our various agencies were already getting wasn't being used, the Bush administration felt compelled to bring us the Patriotic Act.
In an effort to put the it into practice, I bring you this fictional exchange between a suitor and the object of his desire.
SUITOR: Hey there, toots.
DESIRE: Did you just call me "toots?"
SUITOR: What?
DESIRE: You just called me "toots" and I'm really kind of offed....
SUITOR: No I didn't, but I can see that we've got a lot to talk about, you and I.
DESIRE: Um, huh?
SUITOR: You know, I think you're really beautiful and I'd like to buy you a drink. Merlot?
DESIRE: Actually, this is just club soda....
SUITOR: Perfect. Jack and Ginger it is. Ramón! Jack and Ginger for my baby here! ¡Arriba!
RAMÓN: My name is Hajii.
SUITOR: Of course it is, Juan.
DESIRE: Wait... "baby?"
SUITOR: Oh, not yet, honey. Let's get to know each other first.
[THE DRINK ARRIVES]
SUITOR: Perfect. A Jack and Ginger for the....
[THE SUITOR SPILLS THE DRINK ON TO HIS DESIRE'S LAP]
DESIRE: Oh. My. God.
SUITOR: Delicious, yes?
DESIRE: You just spilled this fucking drink all over me!
SUITOR: I did, and in order to avoid that happening in the future, I suggest we retire to the phone booth so you can give me a deep-throated blow job.
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Wednesday, September 21, 2005
For comparison and in keeping with my recent Chinese theme, the over 100,000 square foot Great Hall of the People located on the western edge of Tiananmen Square was built in 10 months.
An artist's rendering of China's Great Hall of the People, above, and the cover of Sarah Lewitinn's The Pocket DJ, below.
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Sunday, September 18, 2005
Of course in our case, you were never my peers.
So perhaps for those reasons, or because, in the end, it's really because I'm lazy, I give you the below series of disjointed if provocative nuggets.
TMFTML has taken his wiener out of the mouths of his various NYC sycophants long enough to resurrect everyone's favorite pastime -- being incredulous at the stupidity of Tiffany Stone. I wonder, Tiffany, what accent you'd have if I knocked your teeth out with a meat tenderizer?
This weekend I watched Sahara on DVD. For those of you lamenting the death of highly entertaining, big fun summer movies, sprint to your local video store. If you need to be pitched, it's Romancing the Stoner. Matthew McConaughey and Steve Zahn are the Cheech and Chong of action movies. William H. Macy provides a delightful counterpoint and cements his position as America's Hugh Grant, sans sex appeal. If the Jews in Hollywood don't make a sequel, it's only because they're jealous of how much fun two white men can have while windsurfing on a modified wrecked airplane through the African desert. Don't understand that last line? Rent Sahara and find out.
If you're in the mood for, like, thinking. Check out The Corsair's post on the Clinton Global Initiative. Well-written, as you might expect from The Corsair, and happy thoughts for those who look back at the Clinton administration fondly. I'd link directly to it, but I'm having difficulty accessing Blogspot pages from China.
I purchased a fake Breitling Longitude for approximately fifteen dollars on Sunday, and I couldn't be more pleased with it. It feels heavy and real, looks very technical, and claims both to be "automatic" and to contain a "tachymetre" neither of which words means anything to me. I'm compelled to send it to Double Flee Dale for inspection, but, like most of what you buy here, it's terminal and I want to make the most of what time we have together. To wit: Today while gesticulating it flew off my wrist and across the room because the steel band had separated from the watch body.
One of the things you see here frequently is middle-aged honky businessmen squiring young, attractive natives around town. Yesterday, I was walking down the sidewalk behind such a pairing when my eyes drifted down to the old whitey's ass, as they are want to do while I'm far from home. His chinos were branded Faded Glory. It struck me as funny, considering, and I thought about snapping a picture. I reconsidered when I realized that if there's anything more pathetic than a 55-year-old man on a date with a 20-year-old Chinese girl who doesn't speak his language, it's a 30-year-old guy taking a picture of the white man's ass and then blogging about it.
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Wednesday, September 14, 2005
US President George W. Bush writes a note to Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice during a Security Council meeting at the 2005 World Summit and 60th General Assembly of the United Nations in New York September 14, 2005. World leaders are exploring ways to revitalize the United Nations at a summit on Wednesday but their blueprint falls short of Secretary-General Kofi Annan's vision of freedom from want, persecution and war.
The obviously implication here is that perhaps if the President hadn't spent quite so much time peeing, the UN might have actually been able to free the world of want, persecution, and war. Give me a fucking break, Reuters. We're not children. We know the UN isn't going to free us from want, persecution, or war just like we know you can't make one of your wishes for more wishes.
On the other hand, I guess we'll never know for sure what President Pooperson might have done had he not been sitting on the pot. In the end, all I can say is thank God The Spoonbender's photographers were able to catch the first note Bush passed Condi.
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Tuesday, September 13, 2005
But if death is here to stay, so is life, and the public's liking for novels in this changed world will rightly depend on how much life there is in them. All polemic aside, a bomb is an ear-splitting statement, but for readers books are louder. Books make death a bullhorn through which life yells triumphant.
His words so enraged me that I flung my hand maidens aside, shattering their tea-colored coccyxes and delicate wrists against the fine woods and marbles appointing my luxury accomodations.
I wonder, Cleave you incredible prick, how self-importantly loud you would be if I were to stuff my fucking leg down your goddamn throat to the thickly muscled thigh? Thank Christ that no one who gets the International Herald Tribune speaks any English.
All I had to calm me was the below view of the Pearl of the Orient awakening.
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Sunday, September 11, 2005
After an evening of frustrating attempts to call my hotel in Shanghai, I noticed the below in the hotel’s elevator. It’s a poster frame, at the top of which is engraved the word “Information” in English. While I appreciate that level of accommodation, if no part of the poster contained therein is in English, isn’t the single word not much more than a taunt?
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Friday, September 09, 2005
This all brings back the exchange between Nancy Pelosi and Bush reported widely last week. Pelosi suggested that Bush fire Brown, and Bush asked why. When Pelosi responded by saying he should be fired because of all of the things that didn't go right with the Katrina response, Bush reportedly said, "What didn't go right?"
Video of the Pelosi news conference via Crooks and Liars.
"Head of FEMA? Sure! How hard could it be? If I could handle getting coffees and sucking cocks in Edmund, I can handle anything!"
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Thursday, September 08, 2005
While Cheney spoke, a passer-by hurled an expletive at the vice president. "First time I've heard it," Cheney said, when asked if he was hearing a lot of such sentiments.
Most of the people Cheney met with were friendly. Lynne Lofton, whose house further down the street was completely destroyed, was an exception.
"I think this media opportunity today is a terrible waste of time and taxpayer money," she said. "They've picked a nice neighborhood where people have insurance and most are Republicans."
First off, if today was the first time Cheney's heard himself referred to as an asshole, he's obviously not listening very hard. Second, why the fuck isn't the DNC drafting Lynne Lofton?
Vice President Dick Cheney, in a sensible blue oxford cloth shirt above, has his sleeves rolled-up and a pen a paper at the ready should any work need to be done. Thank God none does.
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Wednesday, September 07, 2005
While I'm sure we all agree that it's money well spent (until, that is, it's actually spent on, say, levees in Iraq,) one has to wonder where El Presidente Vacacione plans to come up with it. In that spirit, I give you The Spoonbender.com's Bush-Friendly National Income Ideas.
The Wage-Vest System: It allows minimum wage earners to invest a larger percentage of their income in Iraq's and our future, thereby increasing their sense of ownership in our country, and in Iraq (Note: The phrase "sense of ownership" does not imply actual ownership.)
Exploit America's Black Gold: For centuries America was forced to import a critically important resource -- black people. As evidenced in the Katrina coverage, today our stockpiles are bursting. It's time to turn our black gold into a gold mine by reinstating slavery and exporting our surplus blacks.
The New New Orleans: Like it or not, New Orleans is gone. Why not embrace what it's become? We can install some slides, inflate some tubes, and charge admission to America's biggest, wettest, and wildest water park.
Invade China: All you hear about these days is how wealthy China has become. Well, I don't have to tell you that those fuckers are also enemies of freedom and in posession of WMD's. Let's invade now while we're over there and save the overseas airfares.
Extra Credit: Perhaps the easiest and most sensible way to come up with the dough is to get some more credit. Being leveraged to the hilt is something most Americans understand and are comfortable with. And it's not like the Jews who run all that banking stuff don't owe us big time for pulling them out of Hitler's ovens. I mean, seriously, Schlomo, we're good for it. We didn't ask you for a credit report when you were all whiney and starving and medium-well.
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Tuesday, September 06, 2005
The tiny ship we call "hope" is lost.
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Thursday, September 01, 2005
I've been reading this guy's blog. From what I gather, he's former Special Forces and now works for some kind of internet company as a crisis coordinator or something. Must be a pretty boring gig generally, but he's in hog heaven now. While I appreciate that he's doing a great job getting the people with him water, food, shelter, and safety and keeping whatever internet thing he works on internetting, I can imagine being locked in the building with him and his guard shifts, wake up calls, and oh-four-hundreds has got to be a little irritating. Especially for some computer programmer who really just wants to get someplace where he can catch the new Battlestar Gallactica episodes. In any case, check it out. It's an interesting read.
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Fuck. I'd still give you even money they'll do it, anyway.
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