I'm watching CNN's convention coverage and the ham-lipped Aaron Brown just said, in the midst of a discussion on how the Olympics might impact election polls, "My perspective on the Olympics is so conventional wisdom it scares me, but...."
You gotta love Aaron Brown. He's mush-mouthed, mamby pamby, and always at a loss for words, but he's apparently spooked by the notion that he might possess any persepective that's less than utterly unique and insightful. I'm intrigued, Aaron. If only you could speak.
Analogcabin @ 5:59 PM ------------------------- Science fired another shot in its ages-old battle against being taken seriously by laymen today when it proudly declared that two new species of worm have been discovered living on the bones of dead whales in California's famously beautiful Monterey Bay. The worms are unusual, science's representitives the scientists claim, because they have no eyes, mouths, or stomachs.
Analogcabin @ 4:18 PM ------------------------- Since I've been giving it so much attention, I figured I might as well post the latest on the case of missing Utard Lori Hacking.
Analogcabin @ 10:07 AM ------------------------- Last night I switched between Ted Kennedy's speech and Last Comic Standing until the back and forth became disorienting. I stopped, but I'm not sure where.
Analogcabin @ 9:27 AM ------------------------- There's been a lot of speculation about suspicious person Mark Hacking's purchase of a new mattress just prior to reporting his wife missing to police. Not about why, of course. Yout can't well have a blood-soaked bed around when the cops come. It's kind of a giveaway. No. The speculation, both in the media and in the hearts and souls of American's, has been on which mattress he chose. Was it Sealey? It is the unassuming, frugal choice. Or perhaps the Crown Victoria of mattresses -- the Serta Perfect Sleeper? It could have been something silly and celebratory like a Craftmatic Adjustable Bed, but I think we all know such a luxe choice is tantamount to a confession.
Analogcabin @ 9:19 AM ------------------------- Analogcabin @ 8:23 AM ------------------------- "I beg of you, America: Please disregard my son. Instead, why not focus your attention on finding his wife? It's not that I don't get where you're coming from. I do. I understand that it's an anxious time in America, and that our anger and feelings of helplessness over things like the economy, Iraq, and the war on terror have been projected onto an otherwise unremarkable trial taking place in Northern California -- that of Scott Peterson. In these troubling times when we're forced to question ourselves, our leaders, and the very nature of good and evil, the Peterson trial is reassuringly clear-cut. What could be more wholly good than a pregnant young mother, full of all the hope and dreams of a future unrealized? And what more evil than a murderous, cheating husband, complete with sinister goatee? As a nation, we want vengence. We want to burn Scott as an effigy of the real evils we can't seem to overcome.
Analogcabin @ 2:35 PM ------------------------- As it does for so many of the defeated, delusional, and depressing, Denny Kucenny's road to defeat ends today in Detroit. It is there that he'll admit defeat and endorse the Kerry/Edwards ticket.
Analogcabin @ 6:22 AM ------------------------- America and Jay Mohr stare blankly into screens, drool, and ask, "Who will be the Last Comic Standing?" 800 supernerd attendees of the 17th International Conference on General Relativity and Gravitation know the answer. He, too, stares blankly into a screen and drools, but he's not standing at all.
Analogcabin @ 1:39 PM ------------------------- Lori Kay Hacking, a pregnant Salt Lake City woman, is missing. She was last seen on her way to go jogging early Monday morning.
Analogcabin @ 1:21 PM ------------------------- There was a time in Beaumont, Texas when gettin' to the five and dime meant taking a left onto Jap Road, going past Tarbaby Roofing and Wetback Plumbing on the right and Shylock Savings and Loan on the left. But those days, the good old days, ended yesterday when local officials voted to change the name of Jap Road.
Analogcabin @ 5:55 AM ------------------------- Ailing charitable organization cum celebrity public relations firm Amnesty International released a report today condemning Arab militias in Sudan for kidnapping and gang-raping women ranging from age from 8 to 80.
Analogcabin @ 8:50 AM ------------------------- Enough is enough, AmeriKKKA, so I'm back. Hoist your respective forties high into the sky, flick your Bics, and sway, sway, sway. Raise your hands in the air, as though you haven't a care, because I've seen a million faces, my friends, and I've rocked them all.
Analogcabin @ 7:14 AM ------------------------- Analogcabin @ 5:11 PM ------------------------- I don't know what's more tragic: That a police misidentification following a terrible car accident led a mother to believe that the bandaged boy by whose bedside she'd been holding vigil was her son, only for her to discover when the mistake was corrected that her son lay dead in a casket selected by the car's other passenger's parents, or that the mother's name is Oksana Bohatch. Analogcabin @ 6:58 AM ------------------------- I have to apologize. I flew home on Monday on ATA. As such, I was surrounded for four hours by all manner of peasant infected with every variety of plague. I'm now sick, and don't feel up to much blogging. Perhaps tomorrow.... Analogcabin @ 4:23 PM ------------------------- And so the world braces for the ugliest baby ever. Analogcabin @ 2:16 PM ------------------------- Exhale, America, because I've returned.
Analogcabin @ 8:06 AM ------------------------- Today, in an act of unprecedented foolishness, the American government gave 130 illegal Mexican immigrants a free trip home to visit their families in and around Mexico city. After an enjoyable couple of weeks catching up with friends and relatives, the illegals plan to make their way back to the American border, this time alongside 30 of their closest acquaintances. If they time it right, they can be back in time for the free flights to Acapulco, beginning in October, and the free flights to Cancun, slated to begin during the holiday season. Mathis @ 5:26 PM ------------------------- Except for the esteemable and indomitable Ofc. Krupke, who I'm sure sees shit like this every day, I think that we of the blogosphere fail daily to comprehend that most of the people that live in America probably think that putting antifreeze in a smoothie is a really clever idea.
Mathis @ 2:51 PM ------------------------- "I think I stole a car," Cunningham told a dispatcher. "I'm not sure."
Mathis @ 9:37 AM ------------------------- Mathis @ 3:10 PM ------------------------- In yet another story proving that Americans have finally swept racism under the rug, California State Education Secretary Richard Riordan "jokingly told a child in a Santa Barbara classroom that her name, Isis, meant 'stupid dirty girl,' prompting the head of the California NAACP on Thursday to call for his resignation." Later that day, California Democratic state Assemblyman Mervyn Dymally made the statement that Riordian said these hurtful words to "a little African-American girl. Would he (Riordan) have done that to a white girl?"
Mathis @ 1:45 PM ------------------------- Upon hearing word that a small, beautiful, fuzzy, cutie-pie kitty-cat was found three miles offshore in the Gulf of Mexico, frantically though still preciously swimming to safety, a nation of endlessly bored secretaries let out a collective "awwwww". Like a rolling wave of nausea, they lifted their voices to the heavens and through their parted lips whispered songs of adulation, full of treacle. Tears streamed down their cheeks and fell hapharzadly on desktop Cathy calendars. Millions of screensavers were changed.
Mathis @ 11:24 AM ------------------------- In a move that has shocked absolutely no one and climbing, a pair of "radical environmentalists" in Norway have been arrested for having sex on stage at an outdoor music festival. Luckily, local band The Cumshots were on hand to provide a nice soundtrack to the pair's daring doggystyle performance, which the couple later claimed was merely a ruse to raise awareness for the destruction of the rainforests.
Mathis @ 5:21 PM ------------------------- Howdy there, folks. It's a damn pleasure to meet you. What's that? Well I'll be, I guess you're right. Ain't that just the rudest thing for me to do? Alright then, well, the American Mastodon's my name and selling you high quality, dependable life insurance at an affordable cost is my game. I just come down here from Fairbanks. Yeah, that's right, I'll be filling in for a few days while Mr. Spoonbender is away. Hope you don't mind if I slip my shoes off. Man, those dogs have been barking since Vancouver. Now, where were we? Oh, that's right, how ya doing, I'm doing fine, pleased to meet you and so on and so forth. What say you we just do this damn thing.
Mathis @ 9:48 AM ------------------------- I'll be gone until Tuesday, but I leave you in the semi-capable hands of a friend. Love him as you would love me, but in the event you decide to donate money, you should still give it to me. Analogcabin @ 4:22 PM ------------------------- Well, TMFTML, you didn't exactly leave me with much of a choice, now, did you?
Analogcabin @ 2:57 PM ------------------------- A federal study released today reveals that 4.5 million American students "endure sexual misconduct" by school employees that ranges from inappropriate jokes to rape, or what CNN politely calls "forced sex."
Analogcabin @ 2:12 PM ------------------------- In a video released to Al Jazeera, a spokesman for a mysterious "terrorist organization" called the Rescue Group threatened to assassinate Abu Musab al-Zarqawi if he does not leave Iraq immediately. Al-Zarqawi is reputed to be Al Qaeda's Iraq operations chief.
Analogcabin @ 3:29 PM ------------------------- Analogcabin @ 9:11 AM -------------------------
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"Who knows what we can learn here," researcher Robert Vrijenhoek said. "But you can bet your ass I'll figure something out. Monterey is fucking rad, and these worms or whatever they are are my ticket to a grant that'll keep me from having to go back to Holland for another year, anyway."
"There are many things left to discover in this world. Some we find by accident... and some we find because we look in places that few people have explored before," Vrijenhoek continued. "Sometimes we just explore places that look nice, like Tahiti. Some things, like these worms, might not even be a discovery at all. I'm not totally certainly they're not hair or mold or something. I mean, they have no fucking stomachs! Who knows what they are?"
Worms or something were discovered in California's Monterey Bay, which has incredible weather and the best seafood.
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Wednesday, July 28, 2004
While medical student cum mattess enthusiast Mark Hacking remains in the University of Utah's mental ward, local police have focused their search efforts on an area landfill. When questioned about whether the change means that the operation has shifted from a missing person search to body recovery, police steadfastly denied it.
"Those unfamiliar with police work might think that bringing cadaver dogs to a landfill indicates that all hope is lost, and that we'll be lucky to find a jaw bone or hands with which we can identify her. It's simply not the case. Landfills are quite popular with the live and missing. Right now we have indications that Mrs. Hacking may have crafted a sort of igloo out of refuse, and that this all relates to a mania involving Fraggle Rock character Marjorie the Heap," said Utah State Trooper Jedediah Smith.
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"I killed in Chappaquiddick."
"I killed in Provincetown."
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Tuesday, July 27, 2004
I don't know the answer to the Hacking mattress riddle, America. It was difficult enough for me to solve my own. I, too, have been in the market for a new mattress, and for some time. The process has been difficult, filled with consternation and hand-wringing. Sure, there are moments of joy and thrill, but mostly there's the stress of making a choice that will define your nights for the next quarter century.
My choice is the Tempur-Pedic Classic, probably in California King. I find it to be wonderfully comfortable and, while quite expensive, I hope it'll be the last mattress I buy before I'm 50. But because the cost is significant, I found the company's four-month trial offer, made in Pempur-Pedic television commercials often seen on CNN, very attractive.
I called and was upset to discover that the free in-home trial requires full payment in advance, and that the payment, less $150 for shipping, can be refunded within four months if you're not satisfied. It's not a bad deal, except that once a mattress is returned, I suspect it's sent out on trial after trial until someone finally keeps it. It is, in a word, preslept. I don't find the idea appealing.
The alternative is a financing plan that offers four months free of charge followed by monthly payments at an absurd 21% interest rate.
Unless he's as crazy as he wants us to think or an honest to god sociopath, I suspect Hacking went with something middle of the road, like a King Koil.
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US Senate candidate Barack Obama, above, is a 15 foot tall flesh golem with strength of 21 and 149 hit points. He is also keynote speaker at this week's Democratic National Convention.
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Friday, July 23, 2004
And I'm no fool, America. I can see the similarities between the Peterson's and my son's situation. His wife is also pregnant and young, though I have to admit not quite so attractive as Lacy Peterson was. In days when the Scott Peterson trial perhaps isn't going as well as we all hoped, the thirst for vengence is even greater. But I beg of you all to be measured in your response.
Of course I realize that all that stuff about medical school in North Carolina didn't exactly help the situation. Or was it South Carolina? Whatever. I can assure you that I'm just as distressed by all of this as you are. I'm his father, for god's sake. Don't you think I always dreamed about my son going to medical school?
And then there's that thing about the mattress. Sure, you could say that purchasing a new mattress and box spring when your wife is missing is odd timing. But, really, are we ever really prepared for something like that? Buying a new mattress, I mean. It's one of those things you don't really plan on or look forward to. One bad night of sleep finally pushes you over the edge, and you just do it.
So I say to you, America, please focus on my son's wife. As far as we know, she's alive. Let's go with that for a while. If she does turn up dead, as I father and an American, allow me to suggest that perhaps a black person did it. Maybe about six foot two inches tall, two hundred twenty pounds. In a stocking cap. No, no. One of those do-rag things they wear. Yes. That's it. A black with a moustache and a do-rag."
"Please, America, consider a black instead."
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Thursday, July 22, 2004
He's been out of the running and, therefore, out of the limelight for months, so we haven't had the pleasure of seeing much the ladies' man cum candidate, but it's nice to see he's no worse for the wear.
That stringy hair, those colorless lips, the shiny and dappled skin....
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Wednesday, July 21, 2004
I'm talking about none other than celebrated megabrain-on-wheels Stephan Hawking, who stripped dreams of interdimensional travel from the manchild eyes of the world's Star Trek fans when he reversed his famous position that matter entering black holes is sucked into parallel universes. But, as only Hawkins can do, he let them down laughing.
To quote the article:
"If you jump into a black hole, your mass energy will be returned to our universe, but in a mangled form, which contains the information about what you were like, but in an unrecognizable state," said Hawking.
At that point, the audience of about 800 people, including many of his peers, laughed.
I can only assume that the last sentence, describing his peers' laughter, was included because Hawking's statement is not a joke in a form recognizable to the vast majority of our species.
...But seriously folks.
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Obviously, this is very sad, but it brings to mind something I've wanted to discuss here for some time: My idea for a pregnant olympics, or Preggolympics. We already have the Special Olympics for the mentally disabled and the Paralympics for the physically disabled, why not a wonderfully metaphoric athletic competition for the world's expectant mothers?
I don't want the above comparison to give you the impression that I think pregnant women are disabled. I would never admit thinking that publicly.
Anyway, that's it. I just wanted to throw it out there.
Another Preggolympic torch extinguished before its race is run?
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Tuesday, July 20, 2004
The 100-year-old road is said to have been named in tribute to Yoshio Mayumi who introduced rice farming to the region. In recent years, however, area Japs have waged a kamakaze battle to change the name. Eventually they formed an axis with the Anti Defamation League and filed suit.
"The name Jap Road was in tribute to that wiley yellow celestial Mayumi," said resident Lawton Gibbons. "The lawsuit against our town was a real Pearl Harbor job."
Jap Road resident Jason Marshburn, 31, agreed, and offered a woefully flawed comparison to illustrate his point.
"It feels like we're in the middle of a George Orwell novel. It's like me suing Keebler or Nabisco because the word 'cracker' is offensive to us white people," he said.
"Just goes to show: Never trust a fucking Jap," he concluded.
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Monday, July 19, 2004
Charity industry watchdogs were keenly interested in the stance presented in the former giant's latest report, and hopes were high it would rally the organization's flagging popularity. Response to the Sudan choice has been cool, with criticism ranging from "overly conservative" to "piss poor and totally 1977."
"This is not the bold stance Amnesty needed to take," said Michael Musto, the absurdly effeminate Village Voice gossip columnist. "Being against gang-rape is, like, duh."
The world's most beloved charitable organization until the late 1980's, Amnesty International enjoyed the public support of virtually every internationally known actor and pop musician. At its zenith the Amnesty craze was so widespread that clubs appeared in high schools and colleges across the United States.
As the 1990's dawned, however, charitable tastes changed. Canny PR by groups like PETA and the AIDS explosion diverted public attention and always fickle celebrity interests to smaller, more specialized charities.
"Africa jumped the shark at Live Aid, and being against Arabs is so not where you want to be right now," said Musto. "You could even spin to 8 to 80 thing as being inclusive; finding women of all ages hot."
Jane Patterson-Reilly, senior analyst at the Center for Charitable Ratings, said, "Amnesty's choice of Africa is weak. Public and celebrity perception is that the continent is beyond help, and they find it depressing. People tend to feel more positive about Southeast Asia and China right now. For example, male prostitution in southern China might have been a stronger, hipper choice."
"Images such as the above contribute to public perception that Africa is, like, totally ug and gross," said Musto.
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I'm happy to report that the pain and disorientation of my cold is finally gone, though a bit of nasal congestion remains. This, coupled with my naturally somewhat nasal voice and the occasional eruption of gurgling phlegm with which the cold has left me, should be a treat for the recipients of all the calls I need to make today.
But that aside for a moment.
I generally refrain from sharing personal information on here, preferring instead to keep this an untainted source of raw fucking hilarity. But, because I know how much you all care for me, I thought it about time I let you in on a big development in my life. In a couple of weeks I'll be leaving where I live and moving someplace else.
I'll pause so you can digest the news.
I know what you're thinking. You're moving where? Oh, dear lovaman, how will such a place respond to a talent the magnitude of yours? I'll tell you how: They'll get hard nipples.
The reason I mention this is that I expect some of the next few weeks' posts will deal with the news a bit less and more with the tragicomic trials of an interstate move. That means ya'll better start doing some crunches, 'cause I'm about to bust guts.
Boo ya.
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Thursday, July 15, 2004
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Wednesday, July 14, 2004
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Tuesday, July 13, 2004
I'd like to thank The American Mastadon for filling in, and to commend him on a fine, fine job. Especially that last bit about Pesticans. So rich.
There'll be more later, but until please enjoy this Epinions Review of Drakkar Noir. The author's nutshell:
Pros: Great smell, "comes back", very sexual for women, covers anything, not too costly...
Cons: ...but costly enough to make it a treat!
The Bottom Line: This is a lady-killer, and something you really won't mind becoming part of your essence and that of your possessions.
So true.
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Monday, July 12, 2004
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A photograph of the typical American specimen, circa 2004 AD
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It's early, and I can't really think of a joke funnier than that line.
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Friday, July 09, 2004
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Deeply angered by the remarks, Dymally then scheduled a protest involving civil rights organizations, only to quickly cancel the demonstration after an apparent mix-up over the girl's racial background. And no, I'm not making this shit up.
I can't put it any better than CNN: "The girl is white, with blonde hair."
Isis Luciano, tiny Negress princess, stands tall and proud in the face of the white people's persecution.
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People, listen to me now: America changed.
It looks like this boat has finally found its captain.
"Hi everybody! Plucky the Cat here. I enjoy persevering in the face of impossible odds, grooming myself, and America. Vote for meeeeeee!"
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Thursday, July 08, 2004
Nothing shouts environmental responsibility like a couple of horny Norwegians screwing on stage and whose website, "Fuck for Forest", is a further extension of the pair's noble crusade to "reach their goals through porn". Right, and Michael Jackson puts roofies in Kool-Aid to raise awareness for breast cancer research.
You know, looking back, I guess it was awfully foolish of us to think that all those Phish fans were just going to go away.
Phish bassist Mike Gordon, when not luring 9 year-old girls into secluded boat houses, enjoys fucking Norwegian girls onstage for the benefit of the environment.
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First things first: now that the Spoonbender is off to Terre Haute, Indiana to inspect the Federal lethal injection chamber, I thought it'd be as good a time as any to clear up a few questions some of you may have about him. So, here goes, feel free to ask away, and hopefully you won't mind if I shoot from the hip.
1) Sometimes I don't know whether the Spoonbender is making fun of racism, or if he really is a racist himself.
That's a good question, Emily. Funnily enough, due to the content and tone of a majority of his posts, many people assume that the Spoonbender is a young, white male, with a small penis. But you and I both know what happens when we ASS-U-ME. No, Emily, truth be told, the Spoonbender is none other than Ota Benga, the small pygmy child disovered by a famous African explorer in 1904 in the Belgian Congo and later brought to the United States. Ota is most famous for having been a fixture at the Bronx Zoo, where he was placed alongside other "evolutionary ancestors" - monkeys, chimpanzees, a gorilla named Dinah, and an orangutan named Dohung. Many people believe that Ota Benga ended his life in 1916 by shooting hiself in the chest with a borrowed revolver, but you and I know the truth. He's alive and well, a success in his chosen field, and boy if he don't have me in stitches just about every day. So you see, he's not really a racist, he's a realist.
2.) Does the Spoonbender hate women?
Fair enough, Tom. We're all adults here, and if you want to get down to brass tacks, then let's boogie. To answer your question, the Spoonbender does not hate women. However, I would be remiss if I did not mention the fact that on a subconscious level, he is incredibly intimidated by women's vaginas, and their subliminal implication of castration. But does he hate women? Of course not, no.
3.) What's with the Spoonbender and his dog? Is he into bestiality?
Holy shit - no easy lobs with you folks. Not exactly a presidential press conference, now is it? Alright, fair enough, you ask and I tell. The Spoonbender, a horse whisperer in his own right, feels a deep connection to the living orders. This connection is not only an emotional and mental one, it is indeed also physical. For example, the Spoonbender's penis is, strangely enough, the penis of a Ruby-Throated Downy Woodpecker. In addition, his asshole is a Warty Sea Cucumber and his testicles are wrapped in a cottony bag not unlike a moth's cocoon. Therefore the implication that he "loves" animals too much is nothing more than an indictment of him loving himself.
And I guess for that reason, and all of the other ones mentioned above, I love that goddamned s.o.b.
Well, I hope you found this little town hall meeting informative and fun, and I hope to see you again real soon. Take care of yourselves, and don't forget that the financial protection life insurance offers far outweighs the monthly costs. I'll be around.
The Spoonbender, happy and full of glee, in an earlier, undated picture
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Wednesday, July 07, 2004
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The world mourned today when the BBC broke news that James Doohan, the actor whose portrayal of Star Trek's Scooty is badly imitated by nerds worldwide, has Alzheimer's disease.
Below is an excerpt of the BBC's pre-obit.:
"His long-term memory seems to be intact. If you ask him how he got his role on Star Trek or [about] D-Day, he can talk for an hour about that. But if you ask him what he had for breakfast, he can't say," said his son, Chris, as he offered his father the October 22, 1998 morning paper and a coffee mug full of motor oil. "Right, dad?"
Doohan's doctors, however, remain optimistic. "It's true that Jimmy has hazy or no memory of any events following the release of Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country, and that this is consistant with the midterm memory impairment usually found in patients in the first stages of Alzheimer's disease," said Dr. Tripp Rayko of Seattle's Methodist Center for Neurological Function. "However, nothing appears to have happened in Jimmy's life following the release of Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country, so it's entirely possible his memory is functioning perfectly. We simply can't say for sure."
Doohan's ridiculously named agent, Steven Stevens, who also represents Jingo the Clowny Puzzler and Jim Croce impersonator Gary "Croce in a Bottle" Sparks, cautions fans against hope. "Jimmy's already been diagnosed with Parkinson's disease, diabetes, and fibrosis. Even if he doesn't have Alzheimer's, I think his beaming days are over, if you know what I mean."
After an uncomfortable silence, Stevens clarified, "When I said 'beaming,' I meant having sex."
Doohan's memory may fail, but a legion of obsessive geeks will always be able to remind him.
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Secretary of Education Rod Paige called the report evidence of the success of the No Child's Behind Left Out initiative.
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Tuesday, July 06, 2004
The Rescue Group spokesman went on to threaten the life of Osama bin Laden unless he turns himself in to any American embassy on or before November 1, to pledge jihad against any Americans that give money to the infidels Kerry and Edwards, to demand NBC bring back Ed for a fourth season, and to wish Mary-Kate Olsen the best.
In other news, a green and white checkered table cloth went missing from the White House commissary today.
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Thursday, July 01, 2004
Happy Independence Day. I'll be back Tuesday.
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