Gene Oakerland: I don't want to say that it's unprecedented, but, well, it's absolutely unprecedented....
Aaron Brown: I think I speak for all of us when I say... ah... well, I'm speechless.
Bob Costas: Countless times throughout the storied history of Heaven and Earth have contenders taken a shot at the Champ. Some were pretenders, poachers, frauds, or jokes. Others were bona fidelis. But none have been able to put Him down -- the Host of Hosts, the King of Kings, He Whose Name Cannot Be Spoken, Yahweh. Those who said His Reign was without end obviously didn't count on this.
Gene Oakerland: Some would call it a real Pearl Harbor job, but you can't say that The Lord wasn't warned. I remember it like it was yesterday -- "another earthquake and I'm puttin' you down," he said, and he delivered, COD, no signature required!
Bob Costas: The Omniscient One was caught off guard, that's for certain.
Aaron Brown: And there was and he did and, well, I really don't think anything else needs to be said. The replay speaks... um... well, plenty.
Bob Costas: Right here! It was right here! With the speed of a ninja crossbred with a lynx and Carl Lewis....
Gene Oakerland: O My! He slips him into the camel clutch, and that's gonna be all she wrote!
Aaron Brown: The anguish on God's Face... the excruciating pain of having your Holy Head wrenched upward while your Back is forced downward... it's unspeakable.
Bob Costas: From there, it was only a matter of time before God taps out, but that's not enough....
Gene Oakerland: He's signalling the Choirs of Angels! He couldn't possibly... Yes! He wants five! He's going for the five count! Oh me oh my!
God, shown above with a nasty shiner and bloody nose, was taught a lesson by beloved author of The Spoonbender after ignoring his warnings and creating a third northern California earthquake in as many days.
Analogcabin @ 1:07 PM ------------------------- RIP, Izora Rhodes Armstead. She died as she lived -- fat, and held close to the heart of a male nurse.
Analogcabin @ 3:46 PM ------------------------- I'm blogging another earthquake!
Analogcabin @ 10:20 AM ------------------------- I'm too busy to post anything substantial (or as substantial as usual, which is only arguably substantial in the first place.) Instead, I'll ask you this question:
Analogcabin @ 2:13 PM ------------------------- I'm blogging an earthquake! I'm blogging an earthquake! Analogcabin @ 10:23 AM ------------------------- David O. Russell's new film opens this weekend and this is the hilarious promotional website for it. Analogcabin @ 9:20 AM ------------------------- Will the topsy-turvy world of late night television ever stop being so downright topsy-turvy? First Kilborn retires, and now this. I guess if there's one thing we can count on from the topsy-turvy world of late night, it's topsy-turviness.
Analogcabin @ 1:02 PM ------------------------- Regardless of what his jury said, the only crime of which Ed Woodland is guilty is stupidity. And if that, ladies and gentlemen, is a convictable, then I think we'd all better throw some cash and jerky into a rucksack, dye our goatees blonde, turn south and drive until we hit Canada.
Analogcabin @ 10:00 AM ------------------------- This article, about how obesity among students is costing American schools millions of dollars a year, should carry this headline:
Analogcabin @ 1:16 PM ------------------------- I don't think I need to explain how why this is funny, but I will:
Analogcabin @ 11:28 AM ------------------------- I'm sure you all saw this story and thought to yourselves, I know what it's going to say on The Spoonbender: it'll be all 'Punishment? Fuck that! These boys should be congratulated!' except it'll be as fucking hilarious and totally right on as that website always is. I fucking love The Spoonbender. If I could, I'd slather it all over my genitals and make love with it squeezing betwixt my dewy thighs.
Analogcabin @ 4:50 PM ------------------------- These day you hear a lot about the erosion of freedom in our country. There are the secret tribunals, the wiretappings, the watch lists, and the free speech zones. But, like so many others, I dismissed these things as concerning only to pinkos, darkies, and homos with something to hide. I was wrong.
Analogcabin @ 11:56 AM ------------------------- Analogcabin @ 8:23 AM ------------------------- I got this big tip from a little friend.
Analogcabin @ 8:03 AM ------------------------- At times I wonder why this person insists on blindly pursuing the ruin of a reputation gained by a career filled with remarkable and admirable deeds. Then I remember Elton John, The Rolling Stones, Michael Jordan, and Hulk Hogan. It doesn't answer the question, but it reminds me that the problem isn't unique.
Analogcabin @ 8:57 AM ------------------------- If there's one thing bloggers like to do more than feel superior and not fact check, it's retire. That's why I'm taking this news with a pillar of salt.
Analogcabin @ 4:53 PM ------------------------- Of all the questions on the minds of Americans today, this is the one CNN.com articulates: Who will replace Phish?
Analogcabin @ 1:57 PM ------------------------- Jeanne Wet, Getting Wetter
Analogcabin @ 11:41 AM ------------------------- Analogcabin @ 10:55 PM ------------------------- Maybe I'm too deeply submerged in the Chinese "Work Hard, Mattress Hard" culture, but something about this doesn't add up.
Analogcabin @ 4:42 PM ------------------------- Here's the delightful thing about air travel in China: Pudong, the newer of Shanghai's two airports, is sometimes closed due to weather. It is, of course, impossible for the pilot to determine this without beginning his approach to the runway. Once his does determine Pudong is closed, he will abort his approach and redirect to the other airport which is called something inutterable by Westerners but apparently meaning something like "Shitty Airport, Without Gate Access or Customs Agents." The pilot will begin his approach to this airport and, after a fly-by by another commercial jet in which we pass close enough to see its passengers' smiling faces, he may decide to give Pudong another try. He'll abort another approach and return to Pudong. It may still be fogged-in, so the pilot might now decide to return to the first airport. He'll land there, but he'll not be allowed to let anyone off the plane for two hours because, as is indicated by the airport's name, there will be no gates or customs agents available. The pilot will be told to return to Pudong by the tower and, after a revolt by coach passengers following the announcement, he may refuse. After additional negotiations, passengers will be allowed to deplane, only to join a screaming, sweaty, smelly mob pushing toward the four customs agents on duty.
Analogcabin @ 9:32 PM ------------------------- I'll be in China this week, so what posting there is will have a distinctly eastern flavor. Analogcabin @ 6:49 PM ------------------------- Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney narrowly escaped minor discomfort today when a boobie-trapped letter was intercepted prior to reaching him. The letter, which was mailed by an unknown person or persons in Nevada's Ely State Prison, was rigged with matches meant to ignite when opened.
Analogcabin @ 2:55 PM ------------------------- Thanks to Community Voice Mail, a nonprofit that provides private voice mailboxes to the homeless, Mel Cornelison landed a job at Goodwill paying $5.68 an hour. That, my friends, is what we call uplifting. Consider this:
Analogcabin @ 1:04 PM ------------------------- You've got to love when the return of The Blogfather TMFTML includes a Rush reference. Yeah, YYZ is the luggage tag code for Toronto, but only Rush fans know that.
Analogcabin @ 8:26 AM ------------------------- A shocking study released today reports that the problem of binge drinking among college students is even worse than we all feared.
Analogcabin @ 4:59 PM ------------------------- NASA, the organization responsible for changing the meaning of the phrase "it's not rocket science" from "it's not difficult" to "it's not a silly pursuit that's solely the domain of inept scientists seemingly unable to do anything right, despite advanced degrees from schools like MIT," has done it again.
Analogcabin @ 11:04 AM ------------------------- As the Bush administration is so eager to remind us, its members have a record of accomplishment. That includes Secretary of Education Rod Paige -- a member of Bush's old Texas posse. Prior to becoming the man responsible for insuring that No Child is Left Behind, Paige architected some of the nation's highest dropout rates and an alleged plot to cover them up as superintendant of the Houston Independent School District.
Analogcabin @ 5:09 PM ------------------------- By now you've all heard that former President and cigar afficianado Bill Clinton is preparing to undergo quadruple bypass surgery. The news outlets have shown some restraint, though the subtext of the below picture, showing Clinton as red-faced as Tom Thrombosis himself, is clear. If they thought they could get away with it, the headline would have read From My Life to His Death?
Analogcabin @ 11:50 AM ------------------------- There are those who read this and even more who know me that would claim I never admit to being wrong. Well, to you and to those people I say with a voice like a clarion, "you're wrong."
Analogcabin @ 11:49 AM ------------------------- In these litigious times, when lawsuits are filed at the drop of a hat, it's nice to know that sometimes even the drop of a head need not be met with screams for heads to roll.
Analogcabin @ 3:06 PM ------------------------- Colorado prosecutors are going to drop the charges against Kobe Bryant.
Analogcabin @ 2:29 PM ------------------------- Because I know you're wondering, yes, I am affiliated with this Reneé Zellweger fanpage. Analogcabin @ 8:13 AM -------------------------
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Wednesday, September 29, 2004
One thing about this puts me off, though. When she died, "...her age was unknown." What is this, Deadwood? How about getting off your ass and running a credit check, you lazy shit of an AP staffer.
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(The blogging goldmine aside, this earthquake thing is getting a little tiresome, God. I don't want to get pissy, but if I feel another one tomorrow, Lucifer's not going to be the only one to have gotten his ass tossed out of heaven, Mister.)
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Tuesday, September 28, 2004
Sometimes when I pee, I flush the toilet just moments after I've begun. What results is that I'm still peeing as the "waste water" goes down. There are times when I finish as the final whirlpool vanishes, but more often I continue peeing as the new "clean" water begins flowing into the bowl.
I don't know why I do this thing, but I do and I have for as long as I can remember.
Do any of you do this?
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Monday, September 27, 2004
Before we all start speculating on replacements, let's take some time to congratulate Conan O'Brien. He's really tall, after all, and a much funnier writer than he is a performer. Kudos, Conan! It's about time you got some recognition for going to Harvard and working on that Daily Pudding thing or whatever it is.
Now for the speculating. I can't confirm that any of these names are actually being considered for the two late late night hosting spots, but I can say that a friend of a friend might have recently been hired to fellate one of Hollywood's biggest power brokers, let's call him Spike Movitz, and, in the throes of man-on-paid-man passion, this list just might have fallen out the pocket of said power broker's dungarees.
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Here's the situation: Woodland applied for a job cleaning up at a nuclear facility and was offered it, despite what was undoubtedly some very stiff competition from other no account idiots. The catch was that he had to pass a background check prior to starting work. He didn't, but who among us would, really?
Of what happened next, only one thing is certain: Woodland began receiving paychecks. The facility maintains that the checks were sent to him by accident, as he was never actually given the job. Woodland maintains that he did get the job, and reported for work. Since Woodland refused to return the money, he was arrested and jailed for theft.
Rather than asserting in court that he did in fact work at the facility, a claim that could easily be proved wrong by everything from door security card records to site surveillance videos, Woodland should have called the plant's managers what they are: Indian Givers.
If you hand a woman on the street a 20 dollar bill, only to realize later that she's not the prostitute who provided you with a delightful half and half days earlier, is the woman to blame? I say no. I say that your misplaced 20 dollars is the penalty for treating women like whores when only some of them are.
Make that argument in court, and the jury returns a not guilty verdict. Every. Fucking. Time.
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Friday, September 24, 2004
Broken Chairs: Fat Students Drain School Coffers, Cafeterias
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When the body of an executive of food puveyor Sara Lee is found frozen, it's funny because it's quite a coincidence. I mean, not only did he work for a large company that sells a number of frozen food items, but he was found dead in a freezer! You might say he lived by the freezer and died by the freezer.
But the story is also funny because the dead frozen guy's name was Cockman. Imagine the police call to the coroner's office:
You guys better get down here. We've got a rock hard, blue Cockman. If it gets much hotter, there'll be a big mess.
The story is sad, too, because, you know, he was killed.
Cockman, above, died how he lived -- cold and hard.
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Thursday, September 23, 2004
Well, you're wrong, Mr. Ma'am. Dead wrong. And hold on to the edges of your seats, America, because I'm about to up the ante. Ready? Not only do I agree that punishment is appropriate, I say these boys weren't punished nearly enough.
Oh yes I did.
Sure, there's a certain skill set required draw up plans for the construction of a pole-dancing platform in your dorm room. And, yes, it take follow-through. You've got to go down to the Home Depot and purchase a steel pole and other supplies. You've got to bring them back into your dorm without causing too much of a ruckus. The construction is no joke, either, especially when it's all done in a tight space like a dorm. And, granted, these guys didn't just leave the stage unfinished. They covered it in red felt, which, I think, is a classy touch. Follow-through and attention to detail are two things you'd don't see a lot of in kids today. And so what if they didn't stop there? Making fliers to put up all over campus is no big feat, but I do have to admit that the $100 gift certificate to Victoria's Secret is pretty funny.
The reason I think these little shitheads should be punished as severely as is allowed by the laws of God and Man is simple. I give you the words of school spokesman John Daigle, Jr.:
There was no public nudity involved here.
No fucking nudity! After all that planning, building, legwork, promotion, and beer, these idiots couldn't get the girls naked. It's like the going through the whole Manhattan Project, getting the bomb into the Enola Gay, flying halfway around the world, and fucking missing Hiroshima. What a travesty! If history and Girls Gone Wild have taught us anything, it's that college girls want nothing more in life than to show their boobs in public. They just need an excuse... any excuse. When it comes down to it, all they need is a venue, permission, and a little Smirnoff Ice.
These boys need to learn a lesson from The A-Team. They were a crack commando unit because, when they were trapped in an old barn, surrounded, and facing insurmountable odds, they didn't just build a kick ass tank out of PVC pipe, some rusty rakes, horse shit, and an old tractor. They built a kick ass tank, busted back out the front door, turned the table on the bad guys, and set things right. If all they did was build a tank then proceed get their asses kicked, nobody would have bothered searching around the Los Angeles underground to hire them.
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Wednesday, September 22, 2004
This time, they've gone to far.
The bill would make it a crime to videotape or photograph the naked or underwear-covered private parts of a person without consent when the person has a reasonable expectation of privacy.... Under the legislation passed by voice vote, video voyeurism on federal lands would be punishable by a fine of not more than $100,000 or imprisonment for up to one year, or both.
I ask you this: Who among you wants to live in a country where a man is not allowed to covertly slide a lipstick camera beneath a barely legal girl's summer dress as she, unaware, canters like a gloriously young and perfectly muscled mare through one of our nation's beautiful national parks? Not me, I tell you. Not me.
First they came for the A-Rabs, and I did nothing. Then they came for the Frootie-Toots, and I cheered them on. Then they came and fined me $100,000 and imprisoned me for one year for nothing more than broadcasting a stranger's cotton-swathed goodies to the internet connected world.
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The article details the story of how Yusaf Islam, formerly Cat Stevens, formerly Stephen Georgiou was denied entry into the US by officials from the Department of Homeland Security. The incident occurred after the passenger manifest for United flight 919 was checked against a government terror watchlist. Apparently one of Stevens' names showed up, though it's unclear which. (Personally, I'd put my money on Yusaf Islam -- you might as well be named Terror Hijackenbomb.) The plane was diverted to Maine, I suppose because there aren't any worthwhile targets there. Islam was interviewed and promptly put on the next flight back to Pinkoville, or where ever it is he lives. Though the fate of future visits to the US is uncertain, Islam can be sure of one thing -- he's being followed by more than a moonshadow.
Islam, pictured below receiving the prestigious Thinker award from the International Society for Identity Crises, did his best-known work in the form of Cat Stevens, when he wrote pandering and warbly tunes for pretentious audiences. His current incarnation is best known for fabulous, trendsetting hairstyles.
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Tuesday, September 21, 2004
Ego
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Monday, September 20, 2004
That said, TMFTML has been a favorite, an inspiration, and a beacon of cred in a foggy morass of the opposite of cred. He also did us a couple of favors, what with the linking and the blowjobs and all that.
Reservoir, TMFTML. Sleep the sleep of the prostate-milked.
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I think we all know the answer, so say it aloud with me: Who the fuck cares?
Instead of considering the future of upper-middle white excuses for smoking a bowl and wearing comfy shoes, I offer you the below questions inspired by CNN's own provocative rumination:
Isn't it about time for a tell all biography of Secretary of Agriculture Ann Veneman?
How much does Oprah make again?
How in the world will Joe Public follow up their sophomore effort, 1994's Easy Come, Easy Go?
Can blog mastermind Nick Denton continue to top perfection?
What kind of a rollercoaster ride do the producers of Judging Amy have in store for us this season?
What can Kaballah do for me?
What's hot?
What's not?
When is Meryl Streep finally going to show us some trim?
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Tropical storm Jeanne has completely drenched the north Haitian city of Gonaives, leaving thousands more homeless than usual and killing hundreds. Further complicating matters is that the road into Gonaives is flooded.
Interim Prime Minister Gerard Latortue, whose grip on power in the troubled land is already tenuous, plans to appeal to the international community for help. Unfortunately, the international community intends to ignore his quasi-French pleas. "So the road into Gonaives is submerged," said International Community Chairman Frank Billingsly. "It's not like anyone wants to go there anyway. I mean, Haiti? Puh-leeze."
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Wednesday, September 15, 2004
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Tuesday, September 14, 2004
If the average American sleeps 8.6 hours a day, works 3.7, watches TV 2.55, and spends 2.55 more engaged in "leisure activity" (say, for example, masturbation and blogging,) doesn't that mean the average American day is 27.5% shorter than we previously thought? That means we're all almost 30% older than we thought, which is depressing, until you consider how great we all look for our age. In fact, that means the average life span in America, once thought to be 75 is actually over 95. That's a ripe old age, my friends.
For these reasons, and that the pork is generally not served in the form of jelly, I can't wait to return.
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Monday, September 13, 2004
After 15 hours to Hong Kong, then this, it's no wonder the hotel bed, despite being approximately as hard as obsidian, feels wonderous.
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Saturday, September 11, 2004
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Friday, September 10, 2004
At an afternoon press conference, an aid issued this statement from Romney:
Under normal circumstances I read each and every letter I receive from inmates of out of state prisons, because, though I govern only those inmates in Massachusetts penitentiaries, I think of myself as civil servant to all of America's convicts. Thank God, however, that my staff identified the letter in question before I was slightly inconvenienced and perhaps even shocked by the sight of a lighted match. The Lord has blessed me, and He has blessed Massachusetts.
What's more shocking is that the Romney letter was at least the eighth received by Governors nationwide. Matched-rigged letters originating at the Ely facility are known to have been received at Governors' offices in Montana, Texas, Idaho, Nebraska, Washington, Utah, and New York. It is unclear if more letters are en route to the United States' 42 remaining Governors.
"This is not the problem of one man or one state any longer...," said Secretary of Homeland Security Tom Ridge, "...it is the problem of all Americans. Whether Governor or garbage man, we can not leave mail from prisons unopened for fear of minor burn. There are some irritations for which there is not enough calamine lotion or aloe in the world. This madman can be permitted to terrorize us no longer."
Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney thanked God for saving him from a madman's matches.
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Thursday, September 09, 2004
For now, the 40-year-old Dallas man still lives on the street. "But once I start getting paydays, I'll be able to not do that anymore," said Cornelison, who hopes to move into a motel, if not a more permanent home.
$5.68 and hoping to be able to move into a hotel soon, if not a more permanent home! All you glass is half empty people screaming that Bush hasn't done well for the economy, put that in your pipe and smoke it! If Mel's not the American dream, I don't know who is.
Mel Cornelison: America's Promise Fulfilled
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There are times when we all get caught up in the delusional buzz that bloggers are more than aging dorks with websites, but now I consider the matter settled.
Welcome back, TMFTML. Please don't leave me alone with these idiots again.
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Wednesday, September 08, 2004
The Prevention Research Center of the Berkeley-based, enigmatically-named Pacific Institute for Research and Evaluation conducted the study in order to determine exactly how severe the college drinking problem is. Previous studies showed that many college students "binge," or have more than five drinks in a row. Those studies have not attempted to determine the exact number of drinks undergraduate students enjoy during a given bender, however -- a hole in the research that PeRCePIRE thought warranted closing.
So how much are our beloved young adults putting away? Many of the 1000 male respondents surveyed consume as many as 24 alcoholic beverages in an evening. True, it is shocking, but you simply cannot argue with a scientific study.
In addition to drinking a case or more of beer in an evening, the 1000 males also reported engaging in love-making sessions of more than 3.5 hours with as many as 215 women in a given year, oftentimes with 3 to 4 women at a time. These young men also tend to have penises of length greater than 10 inches and 6 inches in girth, weighing as much as 9 pounds.
Fortunately, the drinking, sex, and large genitals do not seem to have slowed our young men down: they report 40 yard dash times averaging 4.7 seconds.
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What didn't happen.
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Tuesday, September 07, 2004
The district enjoys a 75% dropout rate -- much worse than the state's already underwhelming 83% average. In response, and presumably in an effort to uphold its place as a model for the No Child Left Behind act, district officials "miscounted" nearly 3000 dropouts in the 2000/2001 school year. Staff at one district high school were found to have falsified records to show that no students dropped out.
Paige responded to critics by claiming the charges, already proven completely accurate, were politically motivated. He said, "If they can muster substantial dirt on the Houston school system, then they hope to damage the national implementation of No Child Left Behind."
It's a familiar refrain from George's posse: All they're trying to do by pointing out that policy X doesn't work is to destroy policy x, and that's worse than counterproductive -- it's not American!
One time I knew this guy. He had horrible lesions on his penis. He postulated that what would help was a lot of rigorous unprotected sex with bargain basement Thai hookers, and he undertook his regime. His lesions got worse, and his doctor said, "Stop having unprotected sex with Thai hookers. It's making your lesions worse. Let's try something else." He said, "Fie on your, quack! You're simply jealous of all my unprotected Thai sex! You are a doctor of nothing but shame!"
Pretend the bad students don't exist, and watch the test scores rise. Voila! No child left behind, except those that don't matter anyway or are black or some other mud race.
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Friday, September 03, 2004
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Thursday, September 02, 2004
Maybe it's that I teeter on the edge of nerdom myself (shocking, I know,) but I've been making fun of geeks for a long time. It's a great love of mine. In recent years one of my favorite targets has been those nerds that run that SETI@home screensaver thing on their computers -- usually in the company IT help desk office. You'll ask what the fuck it is, they'll proudly respond that it allows SETI to use the processor of their idling computer to parse data collected by the extraterrestial search organization. Then you snicker and tell them they should apply those processor cycles to finding a girl to kiss, or you tell them The Search for Spock already ended.
Well, the laughs is on me. Today scientists announced that they've received a radio signal that may have originated from aliens, and it was found using SETI@home.
So I was wrong, and I apologize to all the geeks in the house.
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Wednesday, September 01, 2004
Take the case of 23-year-old Frankie Brohm. Last Saturday, after an evening of drinking and merrymaking, Brohm hopped into a car driven by his also drunk friend John Hutcherson. In a fit of glee or nausea, Brohm stuck his head out the window. Hutcherson swerved off the road, and Brohm was decapitated by a telephone pole support wire. Hutcherson, not realizing what happened, drove home. I imagine Steve Winwood's "The Finer Things" was cranking on the stereo the whole time. After arriving home, Hutcherson parked the car and fell asleep. When a body was found in the passenger seat of the car parked in his driveway and the matching head by the side of the road, Hutcherson was arrested and charged with vehicular homicide.
But instead of suing or screaming for vengeance, Brohm's family pled with police and prosecutors to let Hutcherson go. They see it as a horrible accident, and hope that Brohm is released so he may "receive whatever treatment is necessary [to] put his life back together." I tip my hat to them. Vengeance is mine, sayeth the Lord, just as is Frankie head.
The real story here, though, is Hutcherson's hair. It looks as though he narrowly avoided a decapitation himself, coming away unscathed, save a missing patch.
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This isn't just a victory for Kobe. This is a victory for the institution of rape itself.
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