I don't know what the New York Press is, though I'm guessing it originates there and involves one, but that's not going to keep me applauding their 50 Most Hated New Yorkers piece. Granted, I didn't read much of it, but in entries 38 and 20 fuck if they don't echo the sentiments you, my rabid, rimming fans, have been subjected to here many times.
I've reprinted those entries below without permission, so go out and buy this New York Press. Or if it's free, hire a whore out of the back or whatever.
38. Nick Denton
Publisher, Gawker Media
Though far from a pioneer, Franken-headed Gawker Media emperor Nick Denton takes partial blame for the dubious distinction of introducing the word "blog" to grandmothers in Dubuque. Denton single-handedly sandbagged and snarked his way to a post-crash brand of media-mogul-dom through his ubiquitous cultural blogs--Gawker.com, Fleshbot.com, Wonkette.com--while letting his lowly writer drones peck away all day for Birkenau pay rates. Though the situation has improved, original Gawker girl Elizabeth Spiers famously made $1000 a month building Denton's flagship. Denton has been secretive about the income he made off of his blogger slaves; writers and editors looking for stories about his alleged riches are, he says, "obsessed, and disoriented: nostalgic, cynical and now, with the revival of independent web media, daring to dream again." But based on his beef with designer Noel Jackson--Denton allegedly took code from the kid, used it on his Gizmodo and Gawker sites, then failed to pay for it—we're sure Denton's smart and calculating enough to come out of this blogger mini-boom with full pockets--and zero friends
20. Sarah Lewitinn (aka Ultragrrrl)
Socialite, Blogger
Would some thin-wristed shoe-gazing bass player please hurry up and fuck this girl? Once confined to her ultra-vapid sycophantic hipster blog Ultragrrrl, Sarah Lewitinn has somehow parlayed her love for wimpy bands and kitsch into a career as a record promoter and talking head about--two guesses--wimpy bands and kitsch. Lewitinn's Spin column, "Making Out with Ultragrrrl," chronicled her giving numerous bands ego-handjobs back stage as she drunkenly hung on them, making funny rock-star poses. Spin came to its senses and killed the column, but Ultragrrl never went away--it keeps popping up in stories in the Voice and the Times about prom parties and DJ-spinning circle-jerk events. Take this Times quote about the weekly Misshapes party: "'Last week's was the best one ever,' said Sarah Lewitinn, 24, a writer for Spin who on a recent Saturday evening was wearing a vintage Joy Division T-shirt as a dress over slouchy black suede boots. 'I made out with three boys and one girl.'" We think we'll Ultrahurrrl.
Analogcabin @ 3:28 PM ------------------------- I just ate two fortune cookies. Analogcabin @ 12:10 PM ------------------------- Yesterday the US Supreme Court handed down what many are calling a landmark decision in the fight for women's rights that expands the scope of the well-known Title IX law. Title IX mandates gender equality in school sports programs. Analogcabin @ 3:01 PM ------------------------- "Well, finally. It's about time somebody got smart and gave that harpy a good old whack to her stupid fucking headbone, then left her lying in the street like the one bit whore she is."
Analogcabin @ 1:35 PM ------------------------- Just when you think that God can't rock, he's on the verge of busting out one of the greatest Twofer Tuesdays ever. Analogcabin @ 4:03 PM ------------------------- Analogcabin @ 3:18 PM ------------------------- Last year archaeologists discovered a layer of ash five feet thick near the former crematorium at the Nazi concentration camp Sachsenhausen. It is estimated that the ashes are the remains of "tens of thousands" of the Jews, Poles, and Soviets imprisoned at the camp during WWII. Today the ashes will be buried. Analogcabin @ 9:03 AM ------------------------- When I read this story about the 16-year-old apprentice jockey that was dragged to death by a horse my emotions were mixed.
Analogcabin @ 12:49 PM ------------------------- Analogcabin @ 9:38 AM ------------------------- The Spoonbender Presents: Analogcabin @ 11:29 AM ------------------------- America didn't respond this morning when it was announced that Third Watch was cancelled.
Analogcabin @ 8:20 AM ------------------------- As you might imagine, I get a lot of fan mail here at The Spoonbender headquarters in my mom's basement. Most of it is embarrassingly gushing and contains pornographic proposals or pictures. From time to time, though, I receive an email that even I cannot describe, blackbelt though I am in the karate of words. Below is one such email, and while I can't say I disagree with the anti-Pennsylvanian sentiments expressed in it, I do find it a bit odd. The name, address, and phone number, though provided in the original, have been withheld. Analogcabin @ 2:25 PM ------------------------- There's something about the look on G. Dub's face in this picture that makes me certain that, when it was taken, he was singing to himself and very pleased, and that maybe a laugh even escaped his lips. And it's when I see that look on his face that I like him because I think he'd have been awesome to smoke a j-bird with at a Steve Miller show in Houston.
Analogcabin @ 8:48 AM ------------------------- The 11th Circuit Court of Appeals decided 2-1 in favor of Michael Schiavo this morning, and first brother cum Governor of Florida cum chubbikins Jeb Bush was quick to respond.
Analogcabin @ 8:36 AM ------------------------- It's estimated that the government spends 20 billion dollars a year on the war on drugs. When indirect costs, such as keeping dealers in prison for life, are included in estimates, the number is closer to 200 billion dollars each year. This has been going on for at least the last 20 years. Analogcabin @ 3:06 PM ------------------------- By the time I'd graduated from high school, I hadn't had anal sex in either of the two ways you can have anal sex. But trust me, it wasn't for lack of trying. Analogcabin @ 9:03 AM ------------------------- This news from Reuters, apparently because there's nothing left to write about plugging or unplugging vegetables:
Analogcabin @ 8:17 AM ------------------------- Analogcabin @ 9:13 AM ------------------------- In an announcement so stunningly obvious that it required no announcement, Mohammed El Baradei, director-general of the IAEA, announced that North Korea is a more imminent nuclear threat than Iran.
Analogcabin @ 3:00 PM ------------------------- The nice thing about growing up in Buffalo is the feeling when you move away. It's what I imagine an inmate must feel like when the prison doors swing open after years on the receiving end of some truly inglorious anal rapings.
Analogcabin @ 11:15 AM ------------------------- Hey, Dicky, let's play a little game, shall we? In it, I'll give you a name and you guess what happened to that person yesterday. Ready? OK.
Analogcabin @ 10:10 AM ------------------------- Although I think we all can agree my words are ageless, I am not. For it was on today some many years ago that I was born. And as I burst forth from my mother's vagina, so did hope, joy, and hilarity burst into the world in portions previously only hypothesized by scientists and imagined by theologians. Analogcabin @ 1:26 PM ------------------------- In keeping with the general absurdity of its behavior over the last what seems like 100 years, the Bushreich has chosen Kommissar Paul Wolfowitz to head the World Bank. Europe, which chafed at the rumor when it surfaced weeks ago, has veto power over the decision, however. One can only assume, though, that were they to execise that power, Bush and Wolfowitz were use it as pretext for invasion.
Analogcabin @ 9:45 AM ------------------------- You want to know what I hear all day? O Author of The Spoonbender, please tell me how American Idol works! You and it are the only things that relieve the crushing pain and solitude of my existence! A blog post combining the two is a delight almost too great to imagine! Please give it to me now! Analogcabin @ 3:14 PM ------------------------- I'm back from New Orleans, my many fans, and let me tell you, it was rad. There are few things in life that exceed expectations -- Jim Croce's songsmithing, Jamie Lee Curtis' breasts, my lovemaking. It is without hesitation that I add New Orleans to the list. Analogcabin @ 9:02 AM ------------------------- Today is a day of joy and it is also a day of sadness. And I can tell by the look on your face you want to hear the sadness part first. Analogcabin @ 12:01 PM ------------------------- Another great headline from CNN: Leaking Rail Car Not Designed to Handle Contents Analogcabin @ 9:04 AM ------------------------- June 13, 2005 is right around the corner, and I know what you're thinking: 10 years! It's hard to believe, because it's feels just as new to me today as it did the day I got it.
Analogcabin @ 9:49 AM ------------------------- There's no way that I'm going to say that simply because your first name is St. James you're deserving of having your nose torn off by chimpanzees, though it is kind of a ridiculous name. I'd also never suggest that being castrated by a chimp named Buddy is probably just a formality if it happened while you were bringing another one named Moe a birthday cake. And finally, I couldn't possibly make the argument that having your noseless, footless, and nutless body "dragged down the road" by a chimp name Ollie is probably a good lesson only for someone who was suing the city of West Covina to force them to allow him to keep Moe the birthday chimp in his suburban home as a pet.
Analogcabin @ 7:35 AM ------------------------- Millionaire "adventurer" Steve Fossett is nearing the completion of his non-stop, solo flight around the world. Fossett previously circumnavigated the globe in a balloon and broke the speed record for sailing around the world. Virgin chief Richard Branson is footing the bill for Fossett's latest adventure. The plane, dubbed the Virgin GlobalFlyer, alone cost $1.5 million, but Branson has declined to list the total cost of the record attempt, which includes picking up many of the expenses for the international media covering the event.
Analogcabin @ 9:38 AM ------------------------- As you might imagine, I get a lot of fan mail. So much, in fact, that it's difficult for me to read it all. I skim a good deal of it, however, and roughly 75% of it falls into one of four categories: Analogcabin @ 9:48 AM ------------------------- You've gotta love the Japanese. First off, there's sushi, which is pretty delicious. Then there's all that bizarre comic book porno. It's not really my cup of sake, but you've got to admit that it's ballsy to look at cartoons of teachers getting raped by crazy octopus creatures in public. Very Aqualung, you know? Then there's how they're all like children, with their costumes and potty humor and being so short. And who doesn't love gadgets? I sure do, and thanks to Japan, I have some.
Analogcabin @ 9:20 AM -------------------------
Permalink |
"You display the wonderful traits of charm and courtesy" and "You have a quiet and unobtrusive nature." And how, Chinee fortune man. And how.
Permalink |
Wednesday, March 30, 2005
The case was brought to the Court by high school girls' basketball coach Roderick Jackson, a man, who was fired following repeated complaints that the boys' basketball team at his school enjoyed excellent equipment while the girls were forced to practice in shoes full of holes, in the middle of winter, holding a hot potato beneath their burgeoning bosoms for warmth, up hill both ways. Jackson will now be able to file suit against the school district, claiming that he was protected as a federal whistleblower.
"This decision is a slam dunk victory for everyone who cares about equal opportunity," said Marcia D. Greenberger, co-president of the National Women's Law Center. "The court has confirmed that people cannot be punished for standing up for their rights."
So on behalf of men everywhere I say one thing to women of this nation and all nations: You're welcome. I think the actions of a brave man like Roderick Jackson on behalf of women go to show that men really are the better half of our species.
Roderick Jackson, above, is a hero to those who should not speak for themselves if they know what's good for them.
Permalink |
"Oh, please. She deserves whatever she gets and more. In fact, I wish a stray dog would have come along and taken a giant, smelly poop on her ugly face while she was unconscious."
"Yeah, right. I'll tell you what else is a disease: bad acting. Except in that case we all suffer the god damn symptoms. Go watch Toys or My Blue Heaven and I'll bet dollars to donuts you won't be singing your limp-dicked sympathy tune any longer, sister."
"Wait... 'Kennedy?' I thought you said Cusack."
Joans Cusack, left, and Kennedy, right, feature in a post wherein the joke's central conceit is that the speaker mishears the subject's name and proceeds to rail violently against an altogether innocuous character.
Permalink |
Tuesday, March 29, 2005
Follow up Cochran with Falwell? No you di'int, Lord!
Permalink |
For his sake, I hope the above picture isn't his mugshot, because going to jail wearing that outfit is a bigger problem than any child pornography charges against you. If that is what he wore to jail, it seems like kind of a major infraction of the "be prepared" rule, unless it was his intent to be prepared for some really undignified anal rapings.
Permalink |
When I read the story, I was moved. I found myself unable to picture a layer of ash five feet thick, or to comprehend the mechanism that would make it, forget morally, practically possible to kill, cremate, and dispose of the ashes of tens of thousands of people.
From time to time a story like this one surfaces about the Holocaust. When one does, I'm reminded to be very suspicious of anyone that tells me that work is good for me.
No matter what anyone says, work will not make you free.
Permalink |
Monday, March 28, 2005
There was stunned thrill when I read the headline, as I immediately assumed it referred to one of the contestants on Trump's show. Disappointment followed when I realized I was wrong. Then there was a moment of resignation as I thought about the months and years ahead in which I'd continue to be subjected to the contestants on The Apprentice. I then felt real sadness as I thought about the 16-year-old Australian, cruelly cut down in his prime. Perhaps even before his prime. That emotion gave way to some shock and happiness that the ages-old system of apprenticeship lives on today, as I am a big believer in the value of vocational training. My joy gave way to curiosity about what an apprenticeship in the art of jockeying might entail and how long it might be. I then laughed to myself as I made a joke in my head about how, apparently, it should entail a little more about how not to get dragged to death by a horse. Then I felt guilt because I laughed to myself. My guilt gave way to anger at some anonymous other, as it usually does, when I began thinking about the kind of degenerate gambler parents who enter their son into a jockey apprenticeship at age 16.
Permalink |
Friday, March 25, 2005
Mikalah Gordon, who was eliminated from American Idol last night, is 16.
Look at the picture. Look at it for as long as is necessary. Look at her lips and how they pout and part. I don't know whether it's right or wrong, but I can't see a 16-year-old in there, no matter how hard I try. In fact, I think there's an argument to be made that leering at her isn't even wrong. It's like when you water an artificial plant. You wouldn't do it if it wasn't trying so hard to look like a plant.
Of course, I'd never make that argument, because I'm a grown man and am above these base things.
Permalink |
Thursday, March 24, 2005
"Dos and Don'ts for Dating This Woman"
Don't...
...get your hopes up for oral.
Do...
...try to get it by telling her you want to "reinsert your feeding tube."
Don't...
...ask if the carpet matches the curtains.
Do...
...say that, like Moses, you want to talk to her burning bush.
Don't...
...take the tape off.
Do...
...pray she doesn't take that tape off.
Permalink |
"It was decided that we couldn't wait any longer for the fourth watch," said NBC president Jeff Zucker with uncharacteristic wit.
Permalink |
Wednesday, March 23, 2005
Each morning as I wake up to retrieve the daily paper I look up and down the street, that is where my blood begins to boil, and this recurring nightmare plays out in my mind. [run on sic]
You see I look down at my feet to discover a giant eraser and as if I were trapped in a hideous "comic book" I begin erasing each and every Pennsylvania tagged car on our New Jersey streets but as fast as I erase I find more and more Pennsylvania cars, multiplying like roaches in a sea of untended garbage..[run on; extra period sic]
On any given day on any block in Trenton, Ewing, Hamilton, N.J. one can count dozens of Pennsylvania tagged vehicles, mostly illegal, probably uninsured, yet there they are; and no one in this city, county, or even state government seem motivated to address the problem; and it is a problem. It is fast becoming a cancer in our cities, an intolerable situation we legal residents face daily as we simply try to find a place to park our car! [um, generally bad punctuation and deteriorating train of thought sic]
This is not an anti-immigrant letter, or in any way biased against any group of people; the only bias is directed toward the illegal driver, and there are thousands of Latin American "ancestry" in Trenton alone who have discovered a way to use Pennsylvania and make fools of New Jersey. There is no wonder that we those of us who abide by the law see ever escalating insurance premiums, dangerous overcrowded housing conditions; just do the math and discover the problem illegal immigration causes. [Christ, really? sic]
This network of fraud, an industry really, schools illegals in ways to procure false documentation, gain stolen license plates and obtain bogus driver's license. In this post 9/11 world it forces one to imagine what else is easily available when profit is the motive! [I feel uncomfortable sic]
Permalink |
"Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right..."
Permalink |
"Time is of the essence and I hope all who have the ability and duty to act in this case will do so with a sense of urgency," said Bush.
"Like Teri Schiavo, there is also urgency in my hunger, and I plan on stopping for three -- yes, three -- bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddles on my way home. If you have the ability and duty, heat up the skillet, because time is of the essence."
"Also, I'd like two of the hashed browns. Yes, two," Bush added.
Permalink |
Tuesday, March 22, 2005
The good news is that it's working. Instead of our children becoming potheads, they've become huffers.
I can't wait to see the outcome now that this successful strategy is being applied to the war on terror.
Permalink |
Monday, March 21, 2005
Let me clarify. It was for lack of trying on the one end -- the receiving end. There was most definitely a lack of trying there. But not on the giving end. You might say there was a surplus of trying; a surfeit of trying.
I tell you this not merely to creep you out, though that is part of my intent, but to add a personal twist to this story. It talks about the results of the recent, get this, National Longitudinal Study of Adolescent Health and the not-so surprising revelation that teenagers who have taken one of the various abstinence pledges are more likely to engage in certain kinds of "risky" sexual behavior, including unprotected anal sex.
To that I say, hot damn.
It wasn't until college when I discovered the subtler, more artful means of seduction. I'm talking about things like reading a woman Blake or putting roofies in her drink. I know you probably find it hard to believe coming from someone whose sexniques seem inborn, but in high school I was downright clumsy with dames. In those days my primary method of getting sex, anal or otherwise, was badgering. I'd plead, insist, broker deals, and generally annoy women until they relented, if not for love or lust then simply for silence. When my quarry spoke of an abstinence pledge, I usually launched into a theological deconstruction much like what I imagine John Smith must have used on wives two through ten. It never occurred to me to forego the vagina altogether, and to instead make the argument that, essentially, "God's OK with my dick in your butt."
A side note: There was one time in high school, I'll admit, that one of my looser girlfriends (you know who you are, you naughty minx) and I actually did try anal, though it was really kind of a sad mess of yelping and fleeing and apologizing and wiping. I blamed this mishap then, as I still do now, on the overgenerous size of my wiener. Call it rationalization if you want. I think you're just scared of it.
There are men across the world who quietly book vacations to places like Thailand at great expense and greater risk to health and freedom. This news -- not of my first experience with anal, but that 16-year-old virgins are giving up the butt to pimpled Creed fans across the country -- must annoy these men to no end.
Permalink |
Sandra Bullock Says She No Longer Seeks 'Safe' Roles, Will Settle for 'Any' Roles
"I don't do anything anymore that feels safe," Bullock said in an interview. "I just don't do anything anymore. Period. I want to change that."
The best quote from the article, and one that required no additional jokery by me, is this:
This spring, Bullock will also begin filming a romance with her "Speed" co-star Keanu Reeves called "Il Mare" that she said has "a more European feel to it." The film is a remake of a Korean film and will be directed by Argentine filmmaker Alejandro Agresti.
Permalink |
Friday, March 18, 2005
This man is named Karim Diab, and he recently became the first person to stand in the icy water of Moskow's Moskva River without moving for more than an hour. Diab prepared for two years to beat the previous record. Apparently, this is something men do in Russia while their women are desperately trying to get wisked away by a divorced 250-pound computer programmer from San Jose.
Now you all know that I'm not one to judge, but if you're intending on standing in icewater for an hour, isn't wearing a stocking hat kind of silly?
Permalink |
Thursday, March 17, 2005
"They have the plutonium, they have the industrial infrastructure, and they said they are doing it," he said, "Seriously, people, they have the fucking nukes. Iranians have sand and funny hats."
Does anyone remember laughter?
Permalink |
That said, I think that the city's reputation is worse than is deserved, if only slightly. There are, after all, many beautiful buildings in certain areas of the city. Most of these can be had very cheaply, as well -- a fact I attribute primarily to the lack of any actual jobs paying much more than a slaver's wage. Buffalo is also very close to Canada, which will be handy as things get really bad toward the end of the second Bush administration and the beginning of the third one. And the fourth and last good thing about Buffalo is that Ani DiFranco makes her home there, so, should you decide to move, you can make a play for what has got to be one of the world's truly irritating women of notoriety.
Wait. I misnumbered. Looks like there are three good things.
The American media continues to ignore these three things, however, and instead persists in heaping salt upon the gaping wound that is Buffalo's reputation. I'd say it's unfair, but when this happens, I simply can't blame them, Jews though they may be.
I wish you could just close a city, like you can with a failing K-Mart.
Permalink |
"Jimmy Ray Slaughter"
That's right! He was executed by the State of Oklahoma.
Alright, you got me. This isn't really a game. It's more like a valuable lesson to expecting parents. If your last name is, say, Cumming, don't name your daughter Bootie Luv. If your last name is Schiester, don't name your child Shylock or Jewya. And if your last name is Slaughter, don't name your boy Jimmy Ray. He'll get the chair whether he did it or not. Instead, try something like Softie Kant.
Permalink |
Wednesday, March 16, 2005
To celebrate the giving of me to you, I went to McDonald's for lunch. This is something of a custom for me, as I am a great fan of the Shamrock Shake. For those of you who have not yet experienced the Shamrock Shake, it is a minty and very green milkshake served by McDonald's only in the weeks leading up to St. Patrick's Day. My birthday -- again, today -- very nearly coincides with the Irish holiday, and as a boy I came to associate the minty thick delicium of the Shamrock Shake with the good feelings of the days leading up to one's birthday. As a man, I celebrate not so much getting older as I do the joy I bring to those around me, but I still like to do it with a Shamrock Shake.
So today I pulled into the drive-through lane at my local McDonalderia. I opened my window to the warm sun, the cool air, and the speaker.
"Melcomba Micdonealeds, can I kelp jew?"
Terrific. I'll bet the woman making my green shake doesn't even have a green card, let alone an appreciation for the great Irish culture or a grasp of English."
"Do you have Shamrock Shakes?"
"Whut sise?"
"I'd like a large, please." Why not? It's only once a year, and I'm here to celebrate me.
"Whut flafer jew like?"
"I'd like a Shamrock Shake. Shamrock flavored."
"We haf chocolatay, baneeya, e strawbeddy."
Here we go. "You don't have Shamrock Shakes?"
"¿Que?"
And so once again, the fucking Mexicans have ruined my birthday.
Uncle O'Grimace, above, is the anthropomorphic representation of the Shamrock Shake
Permalink |
If you think about it, though, the choice isn't that far afield from Bono. One wants debt relief for Africa, the other believes in the White Man's Burden....
"Why reduce the debt when you can just run the World Bank?" or 'What? Me worry?"
Permalink |
Tuesday, March 15, 2005
For the love of all that's holy, you irritating pricks, stop your incessant whining. I'll give it to you, but this will have to last you until next year. So savor it as you wouldn't a fine wine or aged cheese, piggy.
As I did last year, I'll break the contestants into a few archetypes that appeal to certain voting demographics. I'll then predict the order they'll be voted out within a statistically insignificant margin of error. How? you ask? With the fucking 2000 GHz computer in my head I call my fucking awesome brain, that's how.
Type 1: The Proto-Masturbatory Material for Girls 12 & Under Type
CONSTANTINE MAROULIS, ANTHONY FEDEROV, NIKKO SMITH
As they are in American politics, underaged girls are the single most powerful voting block in the American Idol audience. They vote early and they vote often. Obviously now that Mario Vasquez, that soulless El Debarge wannabe, is out, his broad support among this group will be divided between Maroulis, Federov, and Smith. Maybe there's a large subset of these girls who love yellow teeth and chinless posers, because I suspect they're the only reason Maroulis has been able to stick around this long. He more than anyone will benefit from Vazquez's "adios." Federov has some of that castrato appeal, which is also big among this group (i.e. Justin Timberlake) and he'll get some help from both the Eastern Bloc block and the Trach black -- both small, but loyal.
Type 2: The Once You Go Black Type
VONZELL SOLOMAN, ANWAR ROBINSON, NADIA TURNER, NIKKO SMITH
Now I like to gloat, but I was dead on last year when I said that there is a black block and there's a white block. That's why there's no way Fantasia and whatsherface could have been in the final together. This year will be no different. Although there is a bit of a twist in that two of the black contestants are, to be totally blunt, much less black-acting. I think Vonzell is a beautiful soul sister who keeps it real. For that, she'll be rewarded with the largest portion of the black block. Unfortunately, both Anwar and Nadia will draw from non-black blocks heavily, and for it, they'll outlast her. Poor Scott Savol, despite his voice and possible status as an octaroon, is simply too light to enjoy a significant chunk of the black block.
Type 3: The "This Ain't Black Idol, It's 'Merican Idol!" Type
BO BICE, CARRIE UNDERWOOD
As I said above, there are some Idol fans that simply won't vote black, and these folks are split down the middle. Sure, they'd enjoy seeing Bice sing Skynyrd at the country fair, but they'd also like to make Carrie Underwood walk funny. They'll never vote for Mikalah Gordon 'cause she's prolly a Jew, nor Federov 'cause he's a commie faggot. They might throw some votes at Cardinale, even though she's I-tie, or at Jessica Sierra, 'cause they're pretty sure they banged her one night outside They Dirty Saddle.
Type 4: The "You're Bad Little Idol, Aren't You?" Type
MIKALAH GORDON
Last year there was a host of jailbait to keep the Aqualung demographic intrigued. This year, there's really only one, and she looks like your ex-wife. Nonetheless, I expect Mikalah to get consistent support.
Type 5: The Midler Type
MIKALAH GORDON, NADIA TURNER
This isn't necessarily about being gay, but it helps. This year we've got a Streisand and a Tina. The real question is whether Mikalah will draw enough support from the horny straight men to outweigh Nadia's support from the chocolate contingent.
Type 6: The Safe For the Whole Family Type
ANWAR ROBINSON, CARRIE UNDERWOOD
The least entertaining voting block, at least for me to write about, is the block that watches and votes as a family. After all, they're not racist, sexist, underaged, handicapped, or... um, handicapped. They vote because they'd like to see popular entertainment transformed into something that teaches their daughters that showing me their asses at every opportunity is a not good idea. To these "caring parents" and "good children," Mikalah is a whore born of a whore. Anwar, on the other hand, is a revelation: A completely non-threatening, asexual black who teaches music and seems genuinely nice! I hope he's not gay....
Now, for my predictions. First off, Scott Savol is going to go out first because he's simply too ugly. Sorry, Scott. Next up for a painful return to anonymity will be Lindsay Cardinale, followed closely by Jessica Sierra. Back to Hooters, girls. Constantine will return to a lifetime of chiding in New York, followed by Nikko Smith. Anthony Federov out next, then Vonzell Soloman. In an interesting side prediction, those two will fall in love and make beautiful Rulato kids together. Then we say goodbye to Bo Bice. Mikalah, who at this point will be making us all want to kill ourselves, will return to Vegas and a life performing at The Aladdin Casino. Then Nadia Turner will go away, much to everyone's dismay. In the end, it will be Carrie Underwood and Anwar "Mister" Robinson, but Carrie will win in a landslide.
Your American Idol
Permalink |
Monday, March 14, 2005
But all was not rosy this weekend. While in the Big Easy I was informed that the Mayor of Blogville, Uncle Grambo, removed me from his blogroll. And I wept gently. Then I consoled myself in ice slush drinks that tasted like Robotussin and women's breasts.
For the uninitiated or those with a life, a blogroll is the large list of blog links usually found in a column adjacent to the blog's main content. In my experience, it is customary to include a blog in one's blogroll whenever that blogger has done the same for you. As the average blogroll has increased in size, the amount of traffic gained from each blogroll inclusion has decreased. Thus, the practical purpose of blogrolling has been replaced with the blog dork's equivalent of a hand shake -- a kind, if thoughtless acknowledgement of existence.
To be removed from a blogroll is, I think, less common than being added. Were I to ask Uncle Grambo, whose support and links were the source of much of my early traffic, what I'd done to deserve it, I suspect he'd say that I'm too hateful and no longer funny. This could be true, though I think there's an argument to be made that I was always very hateful and never very funny.
But you, my many fans, probably suspect what I suspect -- that my recent comments about Gawker and one of its editors, Jessica Coen, bothered Uncle Grambo. In fact, he was kind enough to stop by and say as much in the comments. You see, Grambo and Coen are real-world friends. In fact, the online clique consisting of many of the blog world's brightest lights is very much a real world one, as well. This isn't news to anyone that reads as many blogs as I do, but I think it's worth pointing out, again, for those with a life.
Now let's be clear: I have always been and remain a fan of Grambo's. I think Whatevs is unique and consistently entertaining. I admire that he's felt no need to sell ad space or take a job writing elsewhere, though I suspect he's had lucrative, at least in blogging terms, offers for both. I also understand that no one likes to see their friends get attacked publicly, and retaliation for said is understandable.
But honestly, I think that each of these blogstars has actively pursued notoriety, primarily by posting nasty things about people they don't know. And yet none of them dares to say anything about any other blogger, at least not publicly. Do you think it's because they've got nothing bad to say? I doubt it.
I started blogging because I like to say whatever I want and to make the kind of jokes I think are funny. I'll bet that's why Grambo and Coen and most of us started. But as blogging has become something you hear about on VH1 and that people are getting paid to do, a culture of asskissing has developed. People say whatever they want about any celebrity without a blog, because it's funny to do so. But when it comes to saying something about another blog, most bloggers don't dare risk being negative for fear of losing blogging's great valueless commodity -- traffic.
Is it worth more people hearing you if you're not saying what you mean? If you're going to sell out, do it for a lot of money.
Permalink |
Wednesday, March 09, 2005
I am going to New Orleans tomorrow to celebrate when Patrick vanquished the snakes from Ireland. There I will also savor the sweet deliciousness of mixed drinks served in plastic novelty cups and revel in the alcoholic effects of said. So too will I attempt to coax various women, professional and amateur, into removing their clothes in exchange for novelty items and/or cash.
I know what you're thinking. Why, that's not sad at all! It sounds like a joyous happening if ever there were one! For me, indeed. But for you, it is pure sorrow, for I will likely not post until Monday.
Brace yourself, child, for these are the days when you learn about loss.
Now for the joy. In Texas a 2-year-old boy survived for two days on syrup and onions after his caretaker died.
This is joyous news in and of itself, to be sure. But it is also a joy because you should feel reassured that if a toddler can survive on onions and syrup for two days then surely I, an adult man, will return Monday from my trip having lived for three days only on rum-based drinks and bad intentions.
In exchange for enduring my absence, I offer you this: I promise that at least once I will reveal myself on the Bourbocam. You'll recognize me because I'll be drunk and very, very good looking.
If I'm able, I'll post pictures. If there are places in the city you think I should see, post them in the comments.
Permalink |
Tuesday, March 08, 2005
Railroad Executive:
"No, no... that's a beautiful car, but I'm afraid it's out of our price range."
Railroad Car Salesman:
"Well, that is a precision-engineered railcar, but it's not for everyone. Now, over here we've got some preowned rail cars as well as some new economy models, for example this here...."
Railroad Executive:
"What about that one? Over there... it's beautiful."
Railroad Car Salesman:
"Now that's what I like -- a man that knows what he wants when he sees it. This here is a gorgeous car. Brand new, and ready to hitch up and outta here today. What say we talk turkey?"
Railroad Executive:
"Sure, sure. God, it's gorgeous. Does it have a radio?"
Railroad Car Salesman:
"Of course! Radio, six disk changer, and CB."
Railroad Executive:
"Awesome. Wow. So, ah, what's it designed to carry?"
Railroad Car Salesman:
"You mean contents? This isn't designed for contents, per se. It's more of a signature performance car. And what say I throw in custom paint if we do a deal right now?"
Railroad Executive:
"Perfect. Sold."
Not designed for contents, per se.
Permalink |
Monday, March 07, 2005
That's right. I'm talking about herpes.
Gotcha! Shazam!
Ah, yes. Fun. Joshing aside, we all know June 13th is actually the 10th anniversary of the release of Alanis Morissette's breakthrough album Jagged Little Pill. Now I'm sure you don't need to be reminded, but the impact of the record simply cannot be overstated. It took the country by storm, and it was also very popular in the US. For months music fans were held in Alanis' thrall, puzzling over the woman behind the hair. Was she an aggro, weiner-obsessed witch like in "You Outta Know?" Or was she a latter-day Stevie Nicks, albeit wordier and not as good? Was she an expertly crafted product of the record industry, or a real, live unhinged child star on the verge of blowing a blood vessel? And would she ever let us get a better look at those boobs? They seem pretty big, but who can be certain in that smock....
In case you've been wondering how the world would celebrate the release of such a remarkable work of art, Alanis plans on recording an acoustic version of the album and releasing it June 13th of this year. CNN asked why, as if any of us don't know:
"There's no better way to honor things than through music," said Morissette, now 30. "Originally, I wanted to write an album about 'Jagged Little Pill' -- you know, about how amazing it was as a moment in time for me and my fans. But that was hard, so I figured I'd just record it again, but with more mandalin this time. My fans and I are older, and we could use something a little more relaxing to listen to without having to learn a new bunch of lyrics, you know?"
Permalink |
Friday, March 04, 2005
But since all three things refer to one person, I'm a little more comfortable those statements. I mean, there's bad luck, and there's pushing your luck. I think Buddy put it best when he tore off St. James' testicles -- wild animals are not your buddies, not matter how funny they look when they smile.
Funny, above, until you realize they're going for your balls.
Permalink |
Thursday, March 03, 2005
In other news, the famine in North Korea continues to impact mostly children.
Steve Fossett and the Virgin GlobalFlyer, above, will break the record for fastest solo, non-stop flight around the world.
Park Kim Ho, above, will break records for most pitiful, God-forsaken existence.
Permalink |
Wednesday, March 02, 2005
1) Did you go to school for it, was it a magical potion, or were just you born with it?
2) Thank you for helping me, saving me, or teaching me.
3) I can only imagine how hot you must be, and I need to be with you intimately.
4) I'd like to proclaim my love for The Spoonbender to the world. How can I?
Another 20% falls into one of two categories:
A) I feel indebted to you, so take my eldest daughter, this mix CD, or these cupcakes I baked.
B) I love to hear your thoughts on American Idol. Will you be sharing them with us again soon?
As you can see, I've got good reason to skim. And though I rarely respond to the peasants that hope to touch that Face of God that is me via email, I can respond publicly to B above -- Yes, and today is the day.
You heard me right, America. Rejoice, for my annual discussion of the American Idol contestants is upon us.
Last year I chose my personal favorites first, and then, when the final twelve had been determined, I made predictions as to who would win. Now you all know I'm not the kind to toot his own horn, but I was dead on in predicting a Barrino victory. Granted, I was off in a couple of other spots, but not even I am perfect always. Anyway, I'll do it the same way this year -- favorites first, then predictions.
And so it is, without further buildup, that I give you my American Idol season four favorites, in order of ascending like.
Anwar Robinson
To be honest, there's nothing in particular about Anwar that I like. It's just that there's nothing I dislike. The bottom line is that this is one non-threatening brother. Everything about him feels like a male nanny, and I think that makes for a good American Idol. Anwar is the The Cosby Show vision of the American black realized, and I'm down.
Nadia Turner
On the upside, Nadia's got an afro. On the downside, she's got a pointy chin and big teeth. Only time will tell whether one will be enough to counteract the other.
Bo Bice
I know it's predictable for a straight white guy to like Bo Bice, and I know he's got no chance whatsoever of winning, but come on -- this guy is difficult to resist. When he gets on stage, you get the impression he'd give essentially the same performance in your garage while snaking wire for your new digital cable. You also get the impression that, if you threw him an extra $20, he'd give you free HBO and a hit off his joint.
Win or lose, I just hope he outlasts that chinless Maroulis character.
Mikalah Gordon
That she's my number one probably comes as no surprise to anyone that reads this site and watches Idol. At 17, Mikalah looks like she's had more work done than the 30-year-olds haunting the high roller rooms of her hometown, Las Vegas. And I'd be willing to bet that's not the only 30-year-old experience she's got, either, if you catch my meaning. What's that? You don't? I'm talking about sexual experience, my man. Look into those eyes and tell me she hasn't already been some dentist's mistress. Maybe she's only legal in 34 states, but those are the laws of man. Sometimes you have to answer to a higher law.
Speaking of which, the most surprising thing about Mikalah is revealed on the Idol website when they ask if she has a lucky charm. Her response? "My rosary." I know. I would guessed Jew, too, but it just goes to show that you can't judge a book by its cover. Plus, everyone knows Catholic girls are crazy in the sack, so I think you'll agree that Mikalah deserves our votes.
Permalink |
Tuesday, March 01, 2005
Yep. The Japanese are awesome, and here's the latest proof.
Apparently Japan successfully launched a satellite over the weekend. Big fucking deal, right? Now they're only 50 years behind their dilapidated comrades to the Northwest, Russia. But for Japan it was a big deal because the last time they tried, a little over a year ago, they had to blow up their rocket shortly after liftoff. That's what you call egg foo yong on your face foo yong. Like when you're not invited to a party then you pretend you don't want to go anyway, most G8 countries that can't launch a satellite act like they don't want to. But Japan was all like, "We going to raunch shatirite!" Then they totally fucked up.
So anyway, Japan's pumped because they got their satellite into orbit, so they immediately announce that they're going to build a base on the moon.
Slow down, there, Tojo! Just 'cause you got your license doesn't mean you can win the Indy 500. Or, to use a metaphor that you all might better understand, you're not a ninja because you've got nifty two-toed slippers.
Permalink |
