The below picture makes the Debatie in Haiti look like a good fucking time. I mean, it's all dirt bikes, flags, and smiles. I can only hope my weekend goes that well.
Analogcabin @ 2:46 PM ------------------------- Analogcabin @ 9:48 AM ------------------------- Analogcabin @ 9:23 AM ------------------------- I hate to sound like Larry King, but I've been listening to Rush's 1978 masterwork Hemispheres all day, and if there's a better album, I haven't heard it.
Analogcabin @ 2:23 PM ------------------------- There are a number of horrible and disturbing things happening in the United States these days, but this one will suffice for this afternoon. The Unborn Victims of Violence Act allows those accused of assaulting a pregnant woman to be charged twice. It is the first law that, in effect, grants rights to a fetus by defining it as a victim of crime apart from the mother.
Analogcabin @ 11:57 AM ------------------------- I'm finally finished redesigning and putting up my other site, Analogcabin. It was my first love, so I set it free -- I've turned it completely over to some other fine fellows. Check it out.
Analogcabin @ 10:06 AM ------------------------- In 1935 -- the year FDR signed the Social Security Act into law, William Coates was 45 years old. He was 114 on Monday when he died.
Analogcabin @ 12:04 PM ------------------------- Not much of a day for posting. I'm working on something else. I'm sure you'll be fine, unless you're gay, in which case you can look forward to a future of discrimination sanctioned by our reactionary President and his facist reich of fuckfaces.
Analogcabin @ 3:09 PM ------------------------- 1115.org has uncovered what is perhaps the single greatest razz in the history of the United States Congress -- a letter written in response to the Bush administration's redefinition of fast food jobs as manufacturing jobs. John Dingell (D.- Mich.), "the Hon. Mayor McCheese?" No you di'int! Analogcabin @ 11:52 AM ------------------------- There were lots of downsides to the late 90's internet bust -- millions of people were left jobless, investors lost billions of dollars in the stock market, and free shipping is no longer standard for orders over $30.00. On the upside, we now understand that it's OK to laugh at people with a Certified Webmaster of Science degree.
Analogcabin @ 10:01 AM ------------------------- The best thing about last night's final episode of Sex and the City was that it was the final episode. Analogcabin @ 7:15 AM ------------------------- I'm not up for it today. There's no point, because somebody already made this page. It's some kind of belligerent rail against Brendan Frasier, and I came across when doing a Google image search for "dumbass."
Analogcabin @ 1:41 PM ------------------------- This is why Low Culture reigns supreme -- high brow execution of retard jokes. Analogcabin @ 2:42 PM ------------------------- Welcome to the first of what, considering my generally hateful demeanor, will become a regular feature....
Analogcabin @ 11:57 AM ------------------------- The link to this story from CNN's front page reads "Dad accused of burying kids in Midwest found dead in jail."
Analogcabin @ 10:47 AM ------------------------- As I'm wont to do when compelled by either laziness or a lack of alternatives, I was listening to the Tavis Smiley show on NPR today. His guest was America's most beloved black academic, Cornel West, who most of us know not from his serious works such as Race Matters and Keeping Faith, but from his large afro and his portrayal of Counselor West in Matrices Reloaded and Revolutions. The topic of their discussion was the Jacksons and their respective scandals.
Analogcabin @ 2:03 PM ------------------------- My biggest complaint with The Littlest Groom is that it's too short. I was under the impression that last night's premier was going to be the beginning of a long relationship with a short bachelor and his menagerie of midget maidens. Alas, it was fully half of a miniseries on minisingles. I guess what they say is true -- keep it short and leave 'em wanting more.
Analogcabin @ 3:04 PM ------------------------- There's a joke to be made about this article. I'm not sure what it is, but I know it has something to do with Texas' lack of a clear legal definition of retardation and President Bush. I'd figure it out, but I don't want to give you the impression I'm some kind of pinko. I'm as much for executing retards as the next guy. Analogcabin @ 2:36 PM ------------------------- 11,000 allegations of molestation sounds like a lot, but that's over 52 years. Do the math, and you'll see that total breaks down to a little less than 212 molestations a year. Next, consider that there were 4,450 priests involved. That's less than .05 molestations per priest, or 1 molestation every 20 years. Not bad, considering how cute those little guys look in the altar boy outfit.
Analogcabin @ 2:28 PM ------------------------- In Renee Zellweger's world, eating a bunch of shit and getting porky is called doing "...what you think is necessary to authenticate an experience creatively."
Analogcabin @ 1:16 PM ------------------------- Anyone that reads The Spoonbender knows that I hate to paint in broad strokes. Life is full of nuance, and so must be the thinking man's understanding of the world. That said, I feel comfortable declaring that no member of any College Republican organization anywhere is cool. Invariably, they are terrified late bloomers that wield their virginity and sobriety like a gavel. Being Republican in college is so obviously a posture, like being a punk in the sixth grade. The conditions that forge Republican beliefs simply don't exist in college -- things like resentment that the unemployed don't have to work and you do, or paying income tax, or that gays can dress in drag on days other than Halloween.
Analogcabin @ 7:51 AM ------------------------- CNN reports that thousands of students are participating in a "Day of Purity" demonstration today in which they'll wear white shirts to show their commitment to abstinence outside of marriage.
Analogcabin @ 11:42 AM ------------------------- The White House can't seem to find anyone that can confirm the President's military service during 1972. Naysayers might claim that any soldier active during that time would recall serving with the son of the US Ambassador to the UN, but you have to remember -- the 1970s were a tumultuous time. Pretty much everybody was stoned, especially Air National Guardsmen. Fortunately, the White House can confirm that Bush got his teeth cleaned while in Alabama.
Analogcabin @ 11:47 AM ------------------------- So I've got the new, half-hour long, full color Paris Hilton video. Unfortunately, it's got some of that Windows Rights Management action on it, and I'm certainly not paying $50 to watch it. If you're, like, a hacker or something, email me [infoATthespoonbenderDOTcom].
Analogcabin @ 8:48 AM ------------------------- Some people call getting beaten with a dog chain and keys, having your wrists burned on a stove top, being stripped naked and doused with bleach, and being locked in a coal cellar with a burning furnace filter child abuse. I call it part of growing up.
Analogcabin @ 11:58 AM ------------------------- Much has been made of the Neal Pollack parody of Whatevs. Thankfully, CNN anchor and regular reader of The Spoonbender Lou Dobbs got an exclusive interview with the two "behemoths of the blogosphere."
Analogcabin @ 2:04 PM ------------------------- French justice minister Dominique Perben declared the handcuffing of a prison inmates in labor to the birthing bed "unacceptable." He also conceded that it's "kind of hot."
Analogcabin @ 11:55 AM ------------------------- So I bought some shares of Apple today.
Analogcabin @ 10:59 AM ------------------------- Much love to the one and only Rob Motherfucking Diener at Funnsylvania. He posted this movie of a news anchor melting down when a lizard jumps on his blazer. Analogcabin @ 9:18 AM ------------------------- This week's latest story of injustits is that Savannah, Georgia high school student Laura Williams won't get credit for her Hooters.
Analogcabin @ 5:29 AM ------------------------- All the votes might not be in, but the race is run. It's pretty clear to everyone except that poor, retarded Kucinich boy that John Kerry will be the Democrats' nominee. Therefore, I think it's time that we focus our attention on America's next big election.
Analogcabin @ 8:27 AM ------------------------- Analogcabin @ 8:09 AM ------------------------- In an interview picked up by Reuters, infamous cocksman Jack Nicholson says that his wild days are over, and that he's finally ready to settle down. Unfortunately for Jack, only the most shallow and delusional women find the baggy and yellowing self-parody he's become attractive.
Analogcabin @ 7:56 AM ------------------------- Sure, the various avian flus get a lot of press, but they aren't what keeps birds awake at night. What does? Glass.
Analogcabin @ 3:42 PM ------------------------- As though having our morality dictated by government jackasses like nipple clamper Mike Powell weren't enough, now we can enjoy getting judged by our local pharmacist. Take this fucker, for example. The Eckerd Drug pharmacist denied a rape victim's request for the morning after pill on "moral or ethical grounds."
Analogcabin @ 12:06 PM ------------------------- I don't really understand what the big deal is. I mean, so they found some rice in a Senate office. Here's a hint, smart guys, you'll probably find some in every Chinese restaurant everywhere, too. You don't see them evacuating. Analogcabin @ 8:15 AM ------------------------- The FCC has announced an investigation into the circumstances surrounding the baring of Janet Jackson's breast, and the airing of the baring of the breast. According to agency head Michael Powell, Colin's son, the investigation will be "thorough and swift [as was my masturbation at the sight of her supple, cinnamon can.]"
Analogcabin @ 11:28 AM ------------------------- There are two reasons I'm posting the below image of Janet Jackson's breast and nipple, as seen on yesterday's Super Bowl halftime show. The first and lesser is that I think people have been too harsh on her boob. I'll grant that it looks marginally floppy, but I suspect some of that is due to her outfit -- corsetting beneath break-away cups isn't exactly a Wonderbra. I see the teat as half full -- at least we now know her tits are real, or at least the right tit is real.
Analogcabin @ 6:55 AM -------------------------
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Something about this image terrifies me. It's the windblown, almost post-coital hair. It's how the eyes are reduced to mascara-shrouded and lifeless black slits. It's the prominence of the mole on her right cheek -- how it catches the light just so, riding high on waves of wrinkles, a dermatological surfer seen from the sky. It's how her yellow gray teeth match her winter wheat hair perfectly. It's what passes for joy on an altogether joyless face.
I assume that the joyless joy is a result of prosecutors having dropped fraud charges against Martha Stewart today.
I used to have dreams in which I'd have sex with women I hate. In them, I'd be filled with anxiety and rage over over the feeling I was being forced to have sex with these women. I think the dreams were an expression of my deeply sublimated resentment of all women for making me a prisoner of my bestial desires, for making me do embarrassing things to have sex with them. I don't have those dreams anymore, I think because I'm engaged. The embarrassment for sex exchange is no longer as acute. It's more about attending Crate and Barrel bridal events than about playing the jackass in a bar and risking rejection at the hands of some co-ed nursing a cosmo.
But when I had them, this is the kind of face I'd see in those dreams. Egging me on and mocking me, and laughing, laughing, laughing.
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Thursday, February 26, 2004
I mention the Larry King thing not because he writes in incoherent half-thoughts, but because his an infamous Rush maniac.
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I look forward to the day when those drinking while pregnant are arrested for providing alcohol to a minor, and anyone that has sex with a pregnant woman gets nabbed for indecent exposure.
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Now I'll turn my attentions back here, where I collaborate with him who I love most.
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Wednesday, February 25, 2004
On Sunday, Coates was thought to be the oldest living American. Assuming he retired and began collecting his full benefit in 1955 when he was 65, Coates received social security checks for 49 years. Adjusted for inflation based on the 2003 average benefit of $895 a month, Coates received approximately $526,260 from Social Security over the course of his lifetime.
Today Alan Greenspan warned Congress that a new system of Social Security benefit calculation resulting in an overall reduction in payouts would be necessary if the system is to remain solvent. This step will have to be coupled with budget cuts and, likely, tax increases. Further, he warned that continued deficit spending will cause increases in long term interest rates and seriously hamper the country's economic growth.
Though he probably drew more than his share of water from the well, I don't blame the problem on William Coates.
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Tuesday, February 24, 2004
Have a nice evening, and remember to vote for Charly Lowry and J. P. Lewis tonight on American Idol.
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Monday, February 23, 2004
The above article talks about all the poor souls that, after having taken out loans to pay tuition for schools like the Greater Lowell Computer Center, were left in lurch when said "colleges" went bankrupt. I'd sympathize, but it seems to me that asking Sallie Mae to forgive the debt is a little like asking the company that holds the lien on your Cooper Mini to forget the whole thing because you realize now how gay it looks.
Glynn Gallagher, above, thought a Certified Webmaster of Science degree would get her out from under all that Herbalife debt.
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Friday, February 20, 2004
Have a nice weekend, kids. I love you all equally.
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Thursday, February 19, 2004
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People I Can Hate Without Having to Meet Them
"Investment Bankers"
It doesn't matter to me if you grew up black, gay, and retarded in East St. Louis, if I hear you say that you're an investment banker, you're a rich white boy who attended a mid-level East Coast prep school with "hedge" in the name. You majored in date rape at a private university like Skidmore that specializes in fuck-offs, and, after some time in South America, then Europe, then New Zealand, then Europe, your father decided it's time you had work. None of this would bother me if you were a painter or a stock broker, but an investment banker? I don't even know what one is, you fucking dickhead.
I might be wrong about investment bankers, but I'll never find out.
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I don't know if there really is, but there should be an old journalism adage that goes something like, "Every headline should tell the story." This headline tells the story of an uncaring and miserly father. Upon the untimely death of his children, probably from Lou Gehrig's disease or leukemia, he subjects them to eternity in the Midwest in an effort to save a few coins. Since there's no law on the books that expressly forbids inhumane treatment postmortem, such as Midwestern burial, he is imprisoned for illegal dumping. Upon hearing of his crimes, fellow inmates tear him limb from limb in an act of righteous jailhouse justice.
My point here is that the Midwest is irrelevant to the story, but it's used in the headline anyway. Why must Midwesterners be subjected to this bullshit? We're more than the landlocked and borderless expanse between California and New York populated by reactionary simpletons and religious zealots. We're the landlocked and borderless expanse between California and New York populated by reactionary simpletons and religious zealots that's going to kick your fucking ass.
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Wednesday, February 18, 2004
West's point, based on the three minutes of the interview I heard, was that America's reaction to seeing Janet's tit on the tube must be contextualized racially. West supposed that, were it Madonna's tit and Nelly that unveiled it, we'd be railing against rappers and their devious, white-woman sullying ways. As it was, Janet is black and so she was taken to the wood shed, while Justin, honky that he is, got off scott free.
Now, let's set aside that his supposition is bad because everyone who cares has already seen Madonna's cans, and that America couldn't think less of her than it already does. And let's also set aside that Timberlake is of highly questionable sexuality. That Jackson's nipple was adorned with jewelry seems to me a strong indicator that she intended for it to be seen. I'm sure that Justin was aware of the decision, and that he may have even encouraged Ms. Jackson, but I feel confident that racism does not color my judgment that Janet's blame should be greatest. The tit belongs to her. Were it Madonna's tit, I'd feel the same.
But the great rhetorical thing about West's assertion is that it's impossible to disprove. We accept it because he's Counselor West, and no one likes a racist.
Now if you really want to hear the truth, I'd like more boobs on TV, not fewer, so I don't blame anyone at all. However, were West to have chosen to use Hillary Duff in his example rather than Madonna, I'd blame Nelly. In fact, I'd want charges pressed.
The part of the interview I really wish I'd heard is where West contextualizes Michael's problems racially. In West's world, no one transcends race. In mine, no one transcends race except Michael. And I don't mean that in a good way. I mean it in the same way that you don't care about the gender of the pit bull mauling you.
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Tuesday, February 17, 2004
Length aside, I was shocked and thrilled by every moment. The genius of the show isn't the concept or the casting, and it's certainly not the twist. It's that the producers, by simply adhering to the conventions of the reality dating genre, have given us a way to stare unapologetically at midgets doing the most hilarious things. Take, for example, the golf outing. Seriously, people. Midgets golfing. Anyone that's seen Tim Conway's masterwork Dorf on Golf knows the comedy inherent in the stunt-limbed swinging a club. And then they follow it up with what? Line-dancing lessons! Why not just have them kick with the Rockettes? The Boot Scootin' Boogie has a much different look when the scooters are more bow-legged than any cowboy in history, believe you me. The simple act of putting their arms around one another captivates.
Granted, the show is highly offensive, but how can you complain? It's not like they showed a boob. All they did was show midgets doing the same things average folks do. The difference is that, with midgets, the laughs come easier.
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Monday, February 16, 2004
Even a camel needs a drink every once in a while, you know?
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If you've ever read a resume, you know that even the most asinine can be made to sound remarkable. All you need to do is use the language like a penis pump.
Nonetheless, Renee's return to the face shape that melted Maguire from the skeletal wight that withered Jack White makes me want to do whatever's necessary to authenticate an oro-genital collaboration.
Renee Zellweger, above, ignores coronary concerns in favor of insuring Bridget Jones is as "authentic," or fat, as creatively necessary.
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That's why this story, about a College Republican group that established a "whites only" scholarship fund, incites me roughly as much as a middle schooler wearing an anarchy patch on his jeans jacket.
I give them credit for requiring applicants to provide a photo to "insure whiteness," though. It's an amusing touch.
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Friday, February 13, 2004
If the rest of the kids involved look like the two pictured below, their participation is kind of like me declaring tomorrow a "Day of Not Accepting a MacArthur Genius Grant."
Geeks, above, celebrate abstinence in the absence of girls that will fuck them.
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Thursday, February 12, 2004
The way I see, if there was a single threat more frightening than the creeping spread of communism as personified in the faces of the Viet Cong, it was gingivitis. So if Bush wasn't fighting Charlie, at least he was fighting plaque.
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I don't find Hilton attractive in the slightest, so I'm not sure why I care, but I do.
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Wednesday, February 11, 2004
Apparently the infamously namby pamby Pittsburgh Police Department isn't going to consider a difference in opinions on the matter, as they've already arrested Debra Liberman for giving her 7-year-old daughter a serving of growing up Monday night.
Reports that Debra's little lesson was in response to a comment made by the daughter that her father, Joe, "should have dropped out after Iowa" could not be confirmed.
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Tuesday, February 10, 2004
Check it out here.
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Perben, above, does his best impression of Rodney Dangerfield, below.
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Monday, February 09, 2004
Before I go any further, I want to acknowledge how preposterous that sounds, especially from someone that just days ago released endorsements for American Idol. I want for you to picture me as Elliott Gould in Ocean's 11 -- overfed and sweaty, an open robe revealing the large belly on which the bottom fold of my Investor's Business Daily sits. I want you to hear what it sounds like when I hold the small microphone on the cord of my cell phone's hands free close to my mouth and scream, "Buy!" Then, "Sell!" Then, "Buy!" again.
I bought Apple because I'm sick of talking about how much I love the company. It was my way of telling myself to put up or shut up. If Jobs and his crew lose me all my money, perhaps I'll end my love affair with this cruel, cruel mistress. If, on the other hand, my fabulous imaginings come to pass, I'll be much richer five years from now.
Here's what I'm looking to see happen:
First, Roy Disney and Stan Gold succeed in ousting Michael Eisner. Steve Jobs is offered the position and accepts. Jobs, getting along much better with himself (or a Jobs approved Pixar CEO such as John Lasseter) than he did with Eisner, repairs Disney's relationship with Pixar.
Meanwhile, Apple continues down the road to becoming a media company, despite that Mac consumer desktops and laptops have surged in popularity and plunged in price (due mainly to the rise of Linux and the popularity of IBM's PPC chips, powering both the XBox 2 and PS3.) iTunes continues to dominate online music sales, and an Apple branded DVR similar to the iPod is released. Incorporating Apple hallmarks like great UI and design, it is the first real video-on-demand box. The popularity of the device rivals that of the iPod, and access to Disney's library of assets make the "iTube" Video Store an immediate success. Apple purchases Pixar with part of its massive $3 billion cash reserve, and then immediately merges with Disney.
Finally, I'm hailed as the finest financial forecaster of our time and replace Alan Greenspan as fed chief. After less than a year on the job, I'm forced to resign following a televised interview with Maria Bartiromo in which I make an inflation joke of questionable taste.
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Friday, February 06, 2004
To make things worse, it's highly unlikely that I'll post anything more today. Difficult news, I know, but you'll get by.
High School Student Laura Williams Admires Hooters, Orders Appetizer Sampler
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Thursday, February 05, 2004
It's with that in mind that I've decided today is a good time to share my endorsements for this round of American Idol.
Camile Velasco
In her contestant interview, Camile responded to a question about what makes an American Idol with this: "A kind spirit truly in touch with the vibrations of music." Couple that hippy shit with the rasta wristband and the bong hit rasp in her voice, and you've got the recipe for a radical fucking Christmas special. Not only is this 18-year-old blessed with a sultry look and hot bod, I strongly suspect she's the kind of girl that'll make out, then pass out. What I'm trying to say is that she's good to go, and what's better than that in an Idol?
J. P. Lewis
Idaho's infamous "pen salesman" John Peter Lewis isn't just competing for himself. He's competing for all straight white men that can't dance but still have dreams of pop stardom. Unfortunately, most of us will waste our votes on tramps like Lisa Wilson, completely unaware that our avatar's singing "Never Gonna Give You Up" so we don't have to.
Charly Lowry
The origin of her partially southern, vaguely Fixadent accent is unclear, but her talent is not. She's part Dusty Springfield, part Russell Means, and all woman. I picture her in an almost threadbare wifebeater and old 501's, singing Journey's "Wheel in the Sky" between slugs off a forty of Crazy Horse malt liquor.
Remember, no vote is a vote for the status quo. Go out and make a difference, people.
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This is a picture of Texan Leila LeTourneau's toilet. She claims it looks like this because crude oil just kinda "burped up" and out of it. Sure, Leila. And that smell is a natural gas well leaking into the a/c.
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Wednesday, February 04, 2004
If there's a mystery greater than why we all have to pretend that Nicholson's even remotely attractive, it's what he meant by his response when asked if his life had passed quickly. He said, "It's been like smoke through a keyhole." I can only assume the aged star was confused and misplaced a euphemism for impotence.
Nicholson Attends Premier with Chins
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Tuesday, February 03, 2004
Thanks to the very important work of this guy, we know that about one billion birds are killed each year when they fly into plate glass windows. Muhlenberg College ornithologist Daniel Klem Jr. travels the country recording the feathery holocaust. He scours the bases of skyscrapers and he roots in the garden beneath your bay window. He looks for the bodies. "Glass is ubiquitous and it's indiscriminate, killing the fit and the unfit," the AP quoted Klem as saying.
Sure, professors at prestigious institutions like Allentown, PA's Muhlenberg are richly compensated, but can any amount of money erase the crushed faces of countless birds from his memory? O, the birdmanity.
The Birdman, Coco B Ware.
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On the other hand, moral judgments are probably exactly what every rape victim needs. I mean, we've all seen these women -- painted up like harlots, strutting around like peacocks with one tit hanging out, or making eye contact. You keep asking for it, ladies, you're gonna get it. They might scream no, but they mean yes.
I'm sure glad my pharmacist doesn't get all moral when I fill my scrip for rohipnol.
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Monday, February 02, 2004
I say thank god, and I know I'm not alone. I'm certain that most Americans feel assured knowing that, even on the day that the Bush administration turned over its shocking $2.4 trillion budget to Congress, agencies like the FCC are poised to leap into action on our behalf. I know Americans appreciate that, despite the budget's projected $521 billion deficit, the Secretary of State's pride and joy is willing to initiate what will certainly be a fabulously overpriced inquest to determine exactly who knew that one of a pop has-been's boobs would be seen from great distance on television sets nationwide for some two to three seconds. My fellow citizens and I can sleep well knowing that, though we might have blinked and missed tit, the government didn't.
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The second reason is found in my use of these key words and phrases: Janet Jackson, Super Bowl, halftime, breast, nipple, nip slip, boob, teat, tit, and tits. It's going to get me lots of Googles.
Image via Vividblurry via Whatevs.
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