Howdy there, folks. It's a damn pleasure to meet you. What's that? Well I'll be, I guess you're right. Ain't that just the rudest thing for me to do? Alright then, well, the American Mastodon's my name and selling you high quality, dependable life insurance at an affordable cost is my game. I just come down here from Fairbanks. Yeah, that's right, I'll be filling in for a few days while Mr. Spoonbender is away. Hope you don't mind if I slip my shoes off. Man, those dogs have been barking since Vancouver. Now, where were we? Oh, that's right, how ya doing, I'm doing fine, pleased to meet you and so on and so forth. What say you we just do this damn thing.

First things first: now that the Spoonbender is off to Terre Haute, Indiana to inspect the Federal lethal injection chamber, I thought it'd be as good a time as any to clear up a few questions some of you may have about him. So, here goes, feel free to ask away, and hopefully you won't mind if I shoot from the hip.

1) Sometimes I don't know whether the Spoonbender is making fun of racism, or if he really is a racist himself.

That's a good question, Emily. Funnily enough, due to the content and tone of a majority of his posts, many people assume that the Spoonbender is a young, white male, with a small penis. But you and I both know what happens when we ASS-U-ME. No, Emily, truth be told, the Spoonbender is none other than Ota Benga, the small pygmy child disovered by a famous African explorer in 1904 in the Belgian Congo and later brought to the United States. Ota is most famous for having been a fixture at the Bronx Zoo, where he was placed alongside other "evolutionary ancestors" - monkeys, chimpanzees, a gorilla named Dinah, and an orangutan named Dohung. Many people believe that Ota Benga ended his life in 1916 by shooting hiself in the chest with a borrowed revolver, but you and I know the truth. He's alive and well, a success in his chosen field, and boy if he don't have me in stitches just about every day. So you see, he's not really a racist, he's a realist.

2.) Does the Spoonbender hate women?

Fair enough, Tom. We're all adults here, and if you want to get down to brass tacks, then let's boogie. To answer your question, the Spoonbender does not hate women. However, I would be remiss if I did not mention the fact that on a subconscious level, he is incredibly intimidated by women's vaginas, and their subliminal implication of castration. But does he hate women? Of course not, no.

3.) What's with the Spoonbender and his dog? Is he into bestiality?

Holy shit - no easy lobs with you folks. Not exactly a presidential press conference, now is it? Alright, fair enough, you ask and I tell. The Spoonbender, a horse whisperer in his own right, feels a deep connection to the living orders. This connection is not only an emotional and mental one, it is indeed also physical. For example, the Spoonbender's penis is, strangely enough, the penis of a Ruby-Throated Downy Woodpecker. In addition, his asshole is a Warty Sea Cucumber and his testicles are wrapped in a cottony bag not unlike a moth's cocoon. Therefore the implication that he "loves" animals too much is nothing more than an indictment of him loving himself.

And I guess for that reason, and all of the other ones mentioned above, I love that goddamned s.o.b.

Well, I hope you found this little town hall meeting informative and fun, and I hope to see you again real soon. Take care of yourselves, and don't forget that the financial protection life insurance offers far outweighs the monthly costs. I'll be around.


The Spoonbender, happy and full of glee, in an earlier, undated picture

Mathis @ 9:48 AM
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