The controversial unsealing of papers related to the divorce of Jack and Jeri Ryan has everybody searching. Illinois Republicans are franticly searching for a way to replace Ryan in the race for the Senate seat vacated by Pete Fitzgerald. On the other hand, Jack's opponent in the race, Barack Obama, is searching for a good deal on an apartment in DC. And Trekkies worldwide are searching Google for pictures of Jeri to accompany masturbation inspired by the image of the Borg beauty involved in a gang bang at a Parisian sex club.

Me? I'm doing some soul-searching.

But let me take a step back. Rumors have long circulated that the papers contained something disastrous for Ryan's political aspirations. Speculation on the exact charges ranged from adultery to physical abuse. A number of local media organizations sued to have the documents unsealed -- something both Jeri and Jack opposed vigorously on the grounds that what was contained would be deleterious to their young son. On Friday, a judge ordered the release of portions of the papers, stating that the public interest outweighed what he admitted would be a negative impact on the boy. The details of the papers hit media outlets today.

In the custody hearing, Jeri claimed that Jack took her to sex clubs three times in 2000 -- one in New Orleans, one in New York, and one in Paris. During these visits, he tried to convince the Star Trek starlet to assimilate his photon torpedo while the other patrons watched. She began to cry and refused, at which point Jeri claimed that Jack "became very upset with me and said it was not a turn on for me to cry."

Obviously this is wrong of Jack. Crying is most definitely a turn on.

What's got me soul searching is whether Obama or Ryan should get my vote. If voting were solely about political beliefs, the ironically Klingon-named Barack Obama would get my vote every time. But I think we all know that winning an election is about being cool. In that respect, I think these allegations demand I give Ryan another look. I mean, marrying a hot actress is pretty cool, especially when you're a Republican. Taking her to a sex club is also kind of cool, if a little smarmy. Telling your hot actress wife to stop crying because it's a turn off is wrong, but cool in a boldly misogynistic way. And staying in the Senate race after all this is revealed to the public is fucking-a right cool in a 1978 Plato's Retreat kind of way.

Ultimately, though, Obama is still going to get my vote. My reasoning is that, in the end, Jack Ryan was never able to convince Jeri to get her gang bang on. In order to get things done in Washington, you've got to be pretty convincing. If you can't convince your actress wife to engage in a little exhibitionism, which should be like convincing a gazelle to leap, then you're just not going to represent me in office.


Sex in Boston Public

Analogcabin @ 7:54 AM
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