I receive sacksful of fan mail. Here's an example:

Dear Mr. The Spoonbender:

Countless nights have I laid myself bare, literally and figuratively, before your website. The amber moonlight glimmers off the sheen of sweat coating my every tingling curve. And as I read, I allow my hands to explore the every sinew and bulge of my slick skin. The exquisite tension growing, always growing. For once, it is my body that's a wonderland.

Would that I could picture you.

I Remain, Your Fan, The Singer-Songwriter --

John Mayer

So it is for you, Mr. Mayer, that I provide the below picture.



Of course, as my current campaign for class president has received some media attention recently, I figure I might as well put it all out there.

Speaking of which, I have no doubt you've all heard about the slogans my school has chosen to ban. Sure "Queer Guy for Hunt High" is a clever play on the fabulously popular TV series title, and, yes, "Gay Guys Know Everything!" is elegant and to the point. But I have other slogans that, though they've received less media attention, I'm just as proud of.

"Faggotcha!"
"Pick a bottom for the top!"
"54-40 or Kisses!"
"Putting the homo in homeroom."
"Stand Up, Bend Over!"
"My father's shame causes him to drink!"
"Your pink canoe and Tyler's, too!"

Analogcabin @ 11:11 AM
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