When the phrase "sperm smuggling" is used in reference to something that happens in jail, it's usually safe to assume that it involves a slight, embezzling convict known as "Alice" working on behalf of assault convict Rico's Alabama blacksnake, and the smuggling is only from the shower to Alice's shame-filled cell.

But as is their way, the mafiosos have yet again revolutionized the way we think about crime. This article chronicles one instance of a caper that's been committed in at least five other instances at Allenwood Federal Prison.

It's not a caper about money, vengence, or respect. It's about love.

The jist here is that a crook who wants to be a daddy "uses" something called a cryogenic sperm kit to deliver goods that would normally be impossible to deliver while in prison. At least without the benefit of absolutely exceptional aim. The crookwife then "uses" the cryogenic sperm kit to conceive a little bundle of criminal joy. It's got to be a positively frigid (pun) operation for her, and anyone who's ever placed their tongue on a cold signpost knows what I mean.

I have two favorite moments in the article. The first is a quote from a federal appeals judge that ordered some frozen cum-traband destroyed. He called it "the fruits of [the accused's] criminal activity." My second favorite part is when the accused jizz-smuggler says that the plot was "made out of pure love." I don't think that phrase could be used accurately often, but it works here.

Q: "What's that crusted on your collar?"
A: "Pure love."

Analogcabin @ 3:01 PM
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