Let's say you're a pine marten.

No. You're a bear. That's easier. You're a bear, and you've always lived in a park. Like Yogi. And you've always eaten trash and stolen food from campers and masturbated freely and pooped wherever you want.

This isn't working.

Instead, suppose that you're in charge of maintaining the nutritional fortitude of McDonald's breakfast menu offerings, and that you have been since the genesis of McDonald's breakfast service. For years you stood by in the face of a McEscalation -- simple Pancakes were supplemented by Danishes. Eventually the Big Breakfast appeared, and that gave way to McMuffins, which begat Hash Browns and Breakfast Biscuits. You were silent, and that was your approval. Hell, you even enjoyed a sausage McMuffin with Egg every now and again.

Then, one day, a McGriddle crossed your desk. "This," thought you, "goes too far." "You call this a breakfast item? It's a half-baked rehash completely lacking in genuine inspiration." You screamed and yelled at the McGriddle, its creators, and its fans. "The McGriddle is an affront to the breakfast menu and an insult to genuine breakfast sandwiches like the Bacon, Egg, and Cheese Biscuit!" But it was you. You allowed it to happen.

Outrageous, right? "Not me," you might be thinking. No, no. Not you, my child. It's what's called an "allegory." That means it's a story about something that's really about something else. Take a closer look at my expertly crafted "allegory." Don't be distracted by the flowery prose and big penis subtext, no matter how difficult that might be. You see, it's not only about McDonald's. Not really. It's about the AP's Lynn Elber.

Lots of people have been engaging in the above discussed brand of absentee paternalism with television these days, and the unfortunate McGriddles are the stars of reality shows -- easy targets, as they're often stupid, condemned to life with no showbiz future, and therefore safe to pick on for writers who usually beg interviews off of "serious artists" like Tea Leoni. The so-called "Lynn Elber" just happens to be the one that caught my eye today.

It's the premise of her "commentary" that I find absurd. The headline is "Become Famous, No Talent Necessary." As though this latest crop of reality stars (she singles out Paris Hilton in particular) is somehow less deserving of fame than Cameron Diaz or Keanu Reeves, and that the fact they they have or will attain fame is unfair. Somebody calls it the commodification of fame, though I don't know who.

Maybe I'd chaff at the inflation of fame if I made my living trading on that commodity, too.

Analogcabin @ 7:55 AM
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