There's no way that I'm going to say that simply because your first name is St. James you're deserving of having your nose torn off by chimpanzees, though it is kind of a ridiculous name. I'd also never suggest that being castrated by a chimp named Buddy is probably just a formality if it happened while you were bringing another one named Moe a birthday cake. And finally, I couldn't possibly make the argument that having your noseless, footless, and nutless body "dragged down the road" by a chimp name Ollie is probably a good lesson only for someone who was suing the city of West Covina to force them to allow him to keep Moe the birthday chimp in his suburban home as a pet.

But since all three things refer to one person, I'm a little more comfortable those statements. I mean, there's bad luck, and there's pushing your luck. I think Buddy put it best when he tore off St. James' testicles -- wild animals are not your buddies, not matter how funny they look when they smile.


Funny, above, until you realize they're going for your balls.